The OLD FiReCrAcKeR

So today I woke up and had a thought.
(this is after i was woken up by the sex bunnies upstairs)

Looking back about two years ago, would you have placed yourself where you are today? Do you have any regrets?

Two years ago, June 2002, I was going through a pretty shitty time. I barely remember the month because i spent the majority of it drugged up or in the hospital. It was at the point where we didn't know what was wrong with me, they said i might have cancer, they simply "didn't know". Well, turns out i didn't have it (thank GOD), and i can remember "waking up" from that month around July 4th. At that point in my life, i would have said that right now i would have transfered from JMU to West Chester or Immaculata to study Music Therapy. I was in my "i want to major in music" phase, while the whole Music Therapy thing was the whole "i love to help others" side of me.

So yeah, i would have never thought that after that year that I would be sitting here right now. Here being relative, here in harrisonburg, here to stay, here being home. Last year i would have never even thought of it... and where i was then, is where I am now. Last year i would have laughed at the suggestion... cuz i had decided that i wanted to be a police officer, and that nobody would change that. And that was just a year ago. But... I think i'm quite content with where I am now. This spring, things were so hectic, and i felt i didn't belong anywhere. In the past few weeks it has become completely evident that it is here where I belong. No more living in the past of NY. No more memories from Richmond. (too much shit has gone down there.) I love living near the forest and the mountains and as of now, wouldn't trade it for any other. And... well, i guess i could have been a musician, therapist, doctor, lawyer, teacher, weatherman, guidance counselor, psychologist, secretary, supervisor, politician, reporter, etc... but... in a way i kind of am all of those things. At least, i can see an aspect from each of those jobs appliying to dispatching. And being able to be each one of those things, and more, coupled with the beautiful mountain scenery... i wouldn't trade it for the world.

As for regrets... I don't really have any regrets about my life. Sure, there are things that I would like to change... but i don't think i regret the experience I got out of the deal. I mean, after all, if life were just full of the fun times, how would we know if they were fun and happy without anything to compare them to? Yes, there are times in the past where i wish I wasn't hurt, times that i don't wish to remember... but always will. Instead of letting these things get to us, we should let them guide us to making better decisions in the future. Life is all about learning.

I know that what i just said is a hard thing to do. Letting go. Trusting yourself. More than that, if you've ever been hurt by someone, trusting others. It's a hard task... and many never do again. And that's sad... because life is based on love, and you should love in order to enjoy recieving it. Henry Miller once said, "The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love." The risk it takes never to love again is more painful than the risk it takes to share your love. (And I'm aware that this comes after the blog about ex-bashing... i'm working on the above too)

So... no regrets. Carpe Diem. And never, EVER, give up on life or love.

Dr Seuss said it perfectly:

"So be sure when you step,
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"
~ Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Go on. You heard the Dr's orders!