The OLD FiReCrAcKeR

Ok, so maybe I was the stupid one to think that it could have been something. But I guess there's never any harm in asking.  And talking. At least I know now... even though feelings don't just go away... as much as you wish them to. (And damn it i want them to go away, NOW).
 
It's making me not myself anymore. At least I know now.  It just hurts. A lot.
And just knoeing that I'll never be able to explain these feelings or justify them- will hurt for another long period of time.
 
If there's one thing that's important in anything: it's communication. Talk early. Know where you stand. This coming from someone whose job it is to facilitate communication. You'd think that something like this wouldn't happen to me... but it did.
 
And don't lose one of your good friends to something like this.  
 
I don't regret the fun times. Hell, I had more fun in that two month time frame than I had had in a LONG time. It would have been a dream come true to continue it. But, since i can't, it will remain in dream status.
 
I've gotta get running and pack some more stuff up and completely move out of Southview today.... and then I have to work at 15:00. (which is better than sitting around here and thinking.)
 
If anyone, ANYONE is around here in h'burg... please let me know and hang out with me. I really need some good friends right now.
 
Later...

Standing in a quarry, watching a thurnderstorm
in the pouring rain
a flicker of lightening and your face lit up.
and just like that it disappeared again....

disappeared.

Until i saw it again at the top of a mountain.
Until the sun set over the valley.
Until the flare was lit
Glowing red in the darkness.
But that of course was extinguished.
Our only guiding light: the stars...

if only wishing upon them brought anything.

why did i fall so fast?

Falling stars.
Miniscule tears.
Of what could be?
Or what may be?
Or what will never be?

I just wish it was something real...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my attempt at shitty poetry that nobody will care to read. actually, i need a band. so i can sing that. if anyone wants to make a band i want to scream/sing so let me know. (it'd have to be kind of hardcore music). I'd add some more hardcore lyrics to it cuz its kind of... soft.

Worked today. Yeah, blah. Then came down here so that mom could go out for the night. Yeah... I'm home alone, mom's out with her boyfriend. How wrong is this?

oh well.

Well, i have a two hour drive tomorrow to think some more. Formulate my words. Mark them, because they will be said. I just hope it goes ok. I have to say something before i explode.

I don't think HFD would like it if i exploded. and i wouldn't want r 40 to put together the pieces of me. Sorry... trying to bring humor into the situation. lol

SHREK 2.... yeah:

"What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in l*** (l***)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's l*** (l***)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout l***

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after l***..."

i won't say it.

*pop*

I just want this to go away or be over. And the only way to do that is to make it known. Wish me luck... :--/

and... how wierd is this. i randomly looked up my horoscope... read my singles horoscope:
Daily Singles:
The person you've had a crush on for a long time now -- it seems like years -- continues to occupy a prominent place in your imagination. Maybe you should finally just tell them how you feel.
(http://astrology.yahoo.com/astrology/love/daily/sagittarius/20040728)

my daily horoscope was kind of random too (from today, the 28th):
Quickie:
The clouds are gathering. A storm approaches. But a rainbow is on the horizon.

for tomorrow, the 29th:
Quickie:
When making your point, the imprtant thing is the clarity-- not the volume.

Rainbow? or storm? We'll find out soon.

But, no matter what...
Auto response from Lemming782: i guess it's all about learning who i can be and who i can't and ignoring all the hurt and trying to move on and not letting myself feel like i've been thrown away. because life goes on and i guess that's the bottom line.

BIG reward if found! hahaha! (you have to see my new shirt!)
 
hahaha... wow. anyways. Since i'm in a random mood... MEN:  looking for models for this:
http://www.makeyourowndildo.com
yeah... WHAT!?
 
ben just shared that website with me.
LMAO.
 
::sigh::
 
I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know what it's gonna take to try to hang out again. I miss it... and you.  I thought I saw something different in you, but maybe i was wrong. I just wish ya knew how I felt. And I wish I didn't feel this way. Hell, I don't know why I do... and, I should and I will tell you soon, regardless... Even though you probably won't care.
 
Hell, you'd even read this and not know it's about you. argh. :'--(
 
::/sigh::
ACK!
 
I reiterate the classic Whitney Beck line: "ALL men are stupid, and if they're not stupid now- give them time. They'll be stupid later." ... well, i didn't think that you were stupid, but maybe ya are. ... i mean, i'd think that you'd have associated youself with these postings, but oh well... I am saying something this week. If not earlier- Sunday.
(yes folks i really am gonna do it!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Anyways (x3), didn't do much tonight. Moved shit. Talked to Tess (god i miss her!), and I'm going to the FF challenge in Manassas on the 28th of August. (Yay!).
 
I half wish i had family around here. Only 1/2 wish though, because i don't think i could deal with my mom on a regular basis, buut it would be nice to go "home" for a few. Maybe a nice home cooked dinner or something. Richmond will never be my home again. I WANT to stay here. I'm a big city girl in a small town world... which is a good thing. After coming here to the valley, i could never leave...
 
today, as i was driving i was going up a hill and it looked like the cloudline never ended... and then there were mountains on both sides, it was such a beautiful moment i almost couldn't take my eyes off of it... and then i had to because i was driving and didn't need to total my car. but... it was amazing!
 
So many amazing things in life... just need someone to share them with. :--/ :'--(
don't tear me open and leave me hanging.
 
 
"Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever, come what may
For a chance at being with you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire..."
 
life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire...

men... and boys... SUCK.

Don't treat me one way and then leave me hanging. I thought I liked you. but... maybe i don't. Or maybe i do but since you wouldn't ever like me that way because you're a pimp, i shouldn't bother.  maybe your pecker moved on to greener pastures?

maybe.

life is full of those... "maybe's".  

::sigh::

so is it so wrong to wonder what "may be?"  what could be... a range of possibilities?

Is it that bad to wish for something?

 

.... i think it probably is.

 

Anyways. Nothing new other than work. worked a lot this weekend, hung out with lisa tonight and had a girls night out... because boys SUCK. Then hung around EOC and talked to amanda too because BOYS SUCK. (are we sensing a trend here?) hahaha. Yeah. If you have a Y chromosome you SUCK. Y you ask? we don't know!!!

anyways, i'm gonna check some more stuff online. my roommate's here now too. yay for fun :--)

and i'm going to KD soon!!! :--D

peace out, kiddos!

So I realized I hadn't closed the million and one AIM convos I've had over the past few days... perhaps I will post some snippets that are quoteworthy here. (Since all i did today was work...here's something interesting)
 
HFDdisptchr46: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Signal96: yeah, at least i thought i did... or used to
(i just started to see someone in a light i never thought i would. i don't think you'd call it that... but i dunno. negative?)
 
EMTSeahorse16: What starts with 'F' and ends with 'uck'?  Firetruck :-D
(hahaha... classic)
 
GuardGirl6: so i really need to call you and tell you my story about how i chased my bike through richmond while on the cell phone with 911 and the cops came and found me and it was like charlies angels... and i almost got killed and such...
(this is why i don't live with Jojo in downtown richmond!)
 
there are more... I'm just too lazy to copy/paste them.
 
and maybe the best advice:
HFDdisptchr46: Well I think I would tell this person how I felt...it may open up a door for something good, but if not then you know you can move on...or at least not worry so much about it
HFDdisptchr46: I wish I knew what to tell you, that would make you feel better...maybe just give it a lil time and maybe something will happen
 
maybe that is the best advice i was given out of all the IM's :--P Chad I owe you! (*wink*)
Sometime this week.... hopefully i'll do it.  It's just getting over past hurt to embark on possibly getting hurt again that's the issue. But, I guess you get hurt either way, without telling or by getting rejected. And then there's the off chance it could turn out good.
 
I'm so pessimistic about relationships. But...
 
"in this altered state, full of so much pain and rage... you know we got to find a way to let it go"
 
I'm trying.
 
I'm going to bed... er, my bedroom floor.  momma's coming in the morning to buy me a bed. Yay!
 

all i did yesterday was a whole lot of nothing. a little bit of cleaning, but mostly nothing.
 
baked a cake for work today. and tomorrow. mmm cake. Also found out I don't have to be at work until 3pm today... score. Only I have to do some more random stuff for JMU today. Yipee.
 
I also watched that new show last night, Rescue Me. It's pretty good, they did a pretty neat job of depicting FDNY. Esp. the probies. hahaha!  Last night I also had a few interesting conversations on IM.  :--)  Some people I haven't talked to in a long while, others that gave me some advice and what not. General consensus is for me to tell a person about my feelings. I mean i guess i'd get hurt either way if they're shot down or if i just don't say anything. yeah...
 
So, I guess I'll do some work and what not before i actually have to go to work later. Have  great day, kids. talk to ya later! 

::Yawn::
 
I'm really tired buuut I guess I'll update. After work on monday, Emily came up to visit me! :--)
 We hung out, drank some, and came over here to move. Today we got up and went to moorefield to get everclear.  It was a fun trip, and I have a newfound love for west virginia. It's so beautiful out there, esp. the town of moorefield. And i love the new Rt. 55 (corridor H) that they're building... it's only open from Baker to Moorefield... but it's really nice! I'll probably make some periodic visits back there, so if you ever wanna come with me let me know. It took like 3 hrs total for the trip... Moorefield is really like 60 miles from B-way, but instead of the interstate i took 42 up to b-way... if that makes a difference. But it's a nice drive though!
 
Then went to blue hole (bergton), then b-way for a little... then out to Rawley to the closer blue hole. It was fun, random cuz iesha was out there too with her lil sis and bro. Fun times :--)  So, had to be back here by 3 for adelphia, and also had to get the tv and comp. moved over so they could hook it all up... and here I am now. Been unpacking and moving stuff since then.
 
I lead SUCH an exciting life!
 
So... my work schedule got all switched up this week. I dunno when I'm working... maybe tomorrow, maybe thurs + fri... I just know I'm not working Sat. Maybe I should check... lol. I wrote it down but i think i shredded the paper i wrote it on!
 
So, if I don't have to work tomorrow, I'll be cleaning and doing JMU work all day... now that i'm online here I really need to get this to dr. frysinger ASAP.
 
 
Yeah... exciting life. But I've got a lot of alcohol here, and a ton of movie channels. So if you wanna hang out tomorrow night (provided I'm not working), let me know! :--)
 
So tired... peace out and rock on.

Those items were among the first to grace my lovely new townhouse! Lol. Not that alcohol and a scanner go together by any means, buuut hey. ;--) 
 
I've neglected this blog only because I've been moving alllll weekend. And I've been moving alone.  Minus Chris who came with kerri to help me move some furniture in. But other than that... alone. Which is kind of nice in some ways but not so much in other ways.
 
So... my goal is to be completely moved in by friday/saturday. Momma's coming up to help/purchase things for me because she loves me (it's nice to know that someone does).  She's got no money, so we'll see how this all works... i'm a little curious to find out.
 
In other recent news, Co. 1 never turned in my forms to VDH... the ones I gave them that had to have someone's sig on them... yeah. So... I was running calls with them for a little there and I wasn't technically affiliated with their agencey. Yeah. BIG OOPS on their part.  So no wonder I'm leaving and just turned in my application for Hose Co. 4/Co. 40 :--).  I might be running with Joe!
 
 I missed Ozzfest today. :--( It's so sad. :::tear::: 
So, instead I listened to black sabbath, slipknot, etc all day while packing/unpacking. If you can't be there, at least you can pretend you're there. Yeah. Only it wasn't the same.
 
Alright kiddos, it's time for me to head to bed. I've gotta work 7a-7p tomorrow, and then Emily's coming and we're gonna go to WV and blue hole on Tues. Yay!
 
Peace, love, and lots of metal.... Rock on, kids. rock on.

AHHHH!!!!

I just got off the phone with my mom, who, yes, I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad she's found someone who she seems to be "seeing" and is working out. I mean, I guess it gives me a better perspective on things. BUT... there are some things that a mom shouldn't tell her daughter. Yeah, I love momma and we're pretty close... but I don't need to know some things. (you can put 2 + 2 together and figure out what that is)
 
AHHHH!!!!!
 
So, I'm going down to Richmond for momma's 50th b-day so she can spend the night with her new beau. Yeah... but she said i could bring someone down. So, Wed. the 28th of July if you wanna come with me to richmond, let me know.
 
 
*******************************
rant/
 
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe it's just me, but i think that it's a little wrong when your ex (fiance) invites you to his wedding.... and the chickadoo who he's marrying ends up being the girl who he cheated on you with. WTF is up with that? For those of you who think that it's as wrong as I do...  thanks.
 
Some men are Assholes.
 
Why the hell do you do that to a girl? And then you wonder why she gives up on relationships for a LONG time.
 
 
::Sigh::
 
/rant
*******************************
 
 
Ok. now that that's been said I think I'm gonna go have a beer and pack some.
Later.
 
 

Yay! It's the first day that i have my new place! YAY!!!
(Yes, I'm now officially Cannon's back yard neighbor... sort of)
 
So tonight I either want to have a mini-party or go out to celebrate. Who's in?! (So far it's Mike, Chad, and I)... IM me if you're not working and wanna hang out... it should be fun!
 
I just got back from bitching at JMU. God I hate that campus. Especially now with all the freshman-gonnabees that are wandering around. Ack. I'm sure I'll see half of them being brought in to the Jail within the first few weeks of school. Never fails.
 
Am I really that bitter? Yeah. I guess I can be considered a townie now with that attitude. Hey... townies are cool, man.  YEAH!
 
Anyways, I now have JAC access to the library and UREC again. So... if you wanna come with me to UREC (hot tub action!), let me know! It's real nice over the summer... AND the freshman wannabees aren't there. Sweeet.
 
 
So... If you wanna hang out tonight, shoot me an IM on the phone, or give me a call.  Peace out, kiddos.

OOOhhh! Blog just got all fancy and all... now I can change fonts and add pictures and what not... so cool!
 
yeah... it's the little things. (like shoplifting steaks by stuffing them down ones pants) that amuse me.
(never a dull day at work, if it not for just one call. boring, yes. but never dull.) ;--)
 
p
 
So I was supposed to go to see Spiderman 2 right now with Mike (Jenkins)... buut i ended up doing more work stuff and stopping by JMU PD on the way home and didn't get back here until later. Boo. :--( I really wanna see it!
 
So. Today i found out where the city reservoir is. Who knew? (that was one of the high points of the day)
and wouldn't you think that reservoir street should be near it. (it's not)
 
Yeah... but you knew already that I don't lead a very exciting life. :--(
 
The brownies I made last night ended up being whored off at 3 different agencies.... EOC, HPD, and JMU. So yay for not having any to bring home... people seemed to enjoy them. mmm brownies!
 
::sigh::
 
I HAVE A KEY TO MY TOWNHOUSE!! :--D
it's a grand moment for me :--)
 
my advice for today...

1)  c think outside.

2) always mean it with your Y. even though it will hurt, more often than not.

3) there is such a thing as leaving the C for a day in J
 
 
  peace, kiddos. rock it, yo.

So... per normal, not too much to write about. (fooled ya from the title, eh?... nah, that was funny though, you shoulda been there...)Worked a lil today... came home and worked more for Dr. Frysinger. Yeah... not much.

Oh! So I don't have to go to Richmond on Friday! (Yay!) Aparantly I'm not choreographing the first song for Atlee after all since i can't be there this week or next w/moving... and get to write the dance stuff! So... that'll be cool. :)

And... get this. Remember how like way back when I applied as a dispatcher for the VSP? They sent me a letter saying they'd contact me for a final interview before June 25th if they chose me and I passed background stuff, otherwise I'd have to reapply. So, didn't hear from them, didn't care, and didn't reapply. So this afternoon my phone rings, and who is it but VSP-Culpepper offering me a final interview for the job. (which is like, yeah we did your background and want to hire you interview)... WHAT?! Yeah, so I passed on that so that I could stay here in the little 'burg b/c i have my lease here. And cuz... well, I like it better here. And if i ever wanted to go there i'm sure they'd hire me. Anyways. Had to share that random bit of info.

Turned in the VDOT "Caution: High Water" sign today to the PD too. Figured since i work for the PD again it'd be wise not to hold onto it. (though the other street signs i'm not saying a word about!)lol. they're over 20 yrs old and from NY so they're ok. ;)

okay... I'm gonna be domestic and bake brownies since i promised April I'd bring them in tomorrow. :-P and i'm gonna finish the crackle finish on my dresser. and i'm gonna do more dr. frysinger stuff.... so that i can turn in a ton of it to him when he gets back from germany!

Ok. Southpark time!


and today's quiz:

You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well... negative. LOL.

And...

A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when you've
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure you're always number
one.

Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature,
sociability.

Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for
attention..



You almost certainly wouldn't like this game,
because it's not your thing:

www.life-blood.vze.com


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well... A+ on the Loud Music!

Ok. time to make brownies. then who knows what until 7am when i gotta be bright and cheery @ the PD!

LMAO! Some people have WAY too much time on their hands...

Rock, Paper, SADDAM.

please enjoy that as much as I did!


So tonight, as random as it was, was pretty random and fun and interesting. Productive day, though i didn't much leave my computer for most of it. I must spend more than 3/4 of my month sitting in front of one of these. Considering work is sitting in front of one... either job i work. Anyways...

I have to go to Richmond on Friday... but i get the keys to my townhouse Friday too... YAY! And, Melissa's coming and we're going to Moorefield on Sat... Tess is coming down this weekend too... double yay! Makes up for the fact that nobody wanted to go to ozzfest with me... i guess. :--P


Thought I might take another little online quiz. Ya'll would enjoy it:

Bondage Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

and here's another. lol. yeah...

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

haha... easier said than done. apply within. ;--)

time to go practice my Tiger Claw. ROAR!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	erotic
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

YEAH! ... OKAY!

Man. I feel like the past few months have been nothing but craziness in every sense of the word.

i just wish that i had more friends here. is it too much to ask to hang out with people? i'm not always a people person, and i don't want to hang out all the time, but just every once in a while would be nice... i feel like a hermit.

::sigh::


Meanwhile, I've come to the conclusion that that's it. I hate guys and men and the like. You all suck. Minus a few of you like Ben, and Mike J. (yeah, there are probably a few more i can put in that category... but the lot of you = dumb). But for the majority of it... you're all dumb. And your damn gender has hurt me one too many times, whether you've intended to or not. It's a shame to give up on something before it even really starts... but when you don't have a choice, so be it. So... ignorance is bliss.



I just need a hug. and a friend.

which shouldn't be too awful much to ask for. but aparantly it is.


Which Family Guy character are you?

I ran errands today for a while. Yeah... boring! So I went to HEC, Sprint, CommonWealth One, Adelphia, and Circuit City. The only good thing about today is that I didn't have to pay a deposit for electric (yay!), and am hooking up cable to the townhouse next tues. Adelphia and HEC are no longer on the shit list... for now. Sprint PCS will always remain on that however.

So... i had a dream last night that i was in a tornado. I was at blue hole and i saw this cyclone form above me and it picked me up out of the water... then i was above the treeline looking down... and i couldn't breathe. That's all i remember before waking up.

other than that semi-exciting dream, it's still my same old boring life. except that I have to work tonight.

Until then, I think i'm going to go drive around and listen to some loud metal for a bit. I've been in one of those wierd moods that i can't seem to shake. Normally i'm a very outgoing person and i'll say what (i believe) needs to be said to someone. But... this is different, somehow...


Afraid to speak
Afraid of your response
Afraid of what will happen if i don't talk
Afraid of what could have been... or could be.
...yeah. This is worse than my spider fear (can't spell the A word)


so... time to drive. And, for everyone to know: tonight the past gets shredded!! Yes... engagement announcement and all. SHREDDER!

that's what i had last night. that's why i slept until 4:30 today. yeah, that's right. **cowers over in shame** But it was fun to hang out without drama.

BTW... we can ALL take a message from the Mary J. Blige song "NO MORE DRAMA"

I think an 8 letter word synonym for drama=dispatch. Just in general, not talking about HPD in particular, but I talked to Martin the other day and he agreed with me. So there's the State, and i KNOW JMU is drama-filled, and HPD isn't too bad, just some people sometimes. But yeah. Take the lesson and learn it... please?

yeah. so anyways, sprint sucks. or at least my phone does.

not much else is really going on. if you haven't figured it out, i lead a very boring life. C'mon and sPiCe it up for me!


And if you can help me move that'd be awesome! Melissa's coming to visit me next weekend (yay!), but my lease starts on the 18th. Tess is gonna be here next weekend too... yay for friends! C'ept I have to work on Sat. night from like 9p-3a. Yeah random hours. Anyways.

Your to do list:
1) Learn "NO MORE DRAMA"
2) Help me move!
3) SpIcE up my life!

It's almost Simpsons time. YEAH! So I'm gonna go. peace...

But the thing is, i definately don't hate the player.... not at all, and that's the entire issue. because i should! i think. So, I sat down and I tried to think of reasons why I shouldn't feel the way I feel...

1)After what's happened to me, and my parents, I don't have the best outlook on the whole romantic side of things. Yeah, i do what i have to do, but didn't expect anything to come from anything...
2)I vowed to give up on the above after the whole situation I went through... and saw happen to my parents. so this is scary for me, to even consider something of this magnitude.
3)The person doesn't even know. I mean even when he'll read this he probably won't associate it with him. Guys are like that. DENSE. Or guys, that's what we percieve you to be. (just FYI) I know, you could be playing a mind game too. Why do humans complicate things?

and i'm 99% sure that this is all in my head. because this person would NEVER say anything to me. Unless he reads this and says something... RIGHT. But it's not like i haven't made posts before regarding this subject. Yeah. It's one of those things he won't even associate with him.

So far, Sam, Tess, and a few other people said i should tell said person how i feel. Lisa says I should wait for him to say something first. Yeah. I dunno. I'm happy with things going slow. And right now they're not really even going. so... yeah.

For those few weeks though... they were the happiest I was in a while. Probably didn't mean anything to him, but at least I drew in some happiness. I just wish it were more. perhaps sometime it might be. not like i'm going anywhere.

Like charlie brown said... nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

And since i'm not feeling too great (a little too much drinks @ alstons w/the crew... and my Sgt... yeah), I think i'm gonna curl up with Tigger. I can always count on Tigger...

Sounds easy, doesn't it? That's a part of my daily extended horoscope. Blah. Too bad ignoring what you can't fix is damn near impossible... unless maybe there is a way to fix it. Well, it wasn't broken in the first place, so maybe it's not in need of fixing. Maybe I'm just percieving that it's broken. Maybe there are other things that need fixing that will remedy what you think is broken. Maybe i just worry too much. Maybe you worry me. Maybe I'm scared that I'll lose something, something that I don't yet have? Hrm. Ug.

So, to end my long ramble, maaaaaaaaaaybe it's that we should just let things play out. Maybe i'm only in the bottom of the 2nd inning. Maybe the game will go into overtime. Maybe the bases will be loaded and maybe i'll hit a home run to win it all. Maybe you'll hit a home run. Or maybe your mom will...ohhh! We just don't know. There is no way of knowing. And that, that's the whole beauty of it, kid.

Meaning- no worries
But is it possible?- probably not
Symbolism- it's worth trying
::yeehaw::

~~~~~::sigh::~~~~~

sorry for the baseball/softball references. guess i miss it a lot. I'd play softball here 'cept it's the people who play around here i'd be scared to associate myself with. (that said, if anyone wants to throw a ball around or even bat (i used to pitch both bball and sball)... please let me know!)

Meanwhile, I'm all sorts of lonely here. I should have stayed away from here longer. I WANT to go back to work just so i can talk to people and be around people... but that's not till monday night! If you're around and want to hang out, let me know. Cm'on baby, and rescue me (so long as you're not rescue 40).

yep. I've been delinquent in updating this... sorry. The beach was just too much more fun (that, and i broke mom's internet. or, it broke when i was there...yeah...)

anyways. So i promised that whole "thoughtful" post a while ago. Well, considering I've had a week or so to think about it, I think I'll do it now. So, with all of this packing and cleaning you're bound to come across things that you haven't seen for a while. Some things that you can just throw out (calc tests), others that have some sort of sentimental value to them (coconuts from orange bowl), some that you didn't think you saved but found and want to destroy (um... the engagement announcement?), etc. Well, i'm gonna write about a letter that i found, from a friend who has since passed away as a result of 9-11-01. He actually died a year later (on 9-11-02), but as a result from injuries sustained on 9-11-01.


thoughtful blog/
Anyways, on to writing... here's an excerpt from a letter from Leigh Michael Osment, 3/02:

"he looked at me, eyes so so sad, and pulled from his pocket a picture... a tattered, bloodstained picture of a little girl. He told me all about her, how she was his granddaughter, and how he loved her very much and to tell her that everything was going to be ok and to 'spread as much love as she could in this solemn world.' I told him I would do my best to find the girl, and tell her his message, but assured him that his chances of survival were pretty good. He smiled at me and looked away. We got him out from the debris but on the way to the hospital he coded, and died of heart failure...

"I kept looking for his granddaughter. And one day, six months later, I happened to find her. I told her his message and she was awestruck. She said it had special meaning for her because her grandfather was a widowed man, who never gave up on love, but, she had negative experiences in the past and her grandfathers word gave her a light into the future. It was at this point i realized my carrer path helped certain people more than just
providing emergency care for them...

"I'm writing about all of this to you because I know that you've been discouraged. Because I know this country has been discouraged. I know that it's natural instinct when you're hurt to fight back... but maybe we all need to be like the old man and truly let our love flow. Love can combat all hate, and there is no force stronger. The only problem with love is that when you open yourself up that much, you're open to scorn, hurt, and ridicule by those who don't understand. The only reason someone can hurt you, is because they don't understand you. Even though you're bound to get hurt, you must share that love, and everything will work out. Think of how much nicer a place the world would be, if all hate were replaced by love. It's unimaginable... "


It meant so much to read that again, and to remember. Every experience in life happens for a reason. Negative or Positive, everything has a lesson that can be learned. At the point when leigh sent this letter, I had just about decided there was no such thing as love, and that fairy tales were just that- that something that perfect could never exist here. But looking back and reading that, Leigh was probably trying to tell me that in sharing love, even though I will open myself to being hurt, there will be those few times where the favor will be returned. And despite getting hurt on numerous occasions, it is those few and precious times that you need to look forward to in order to live life. Or, you decide what he meant. Take it and run with it. But share your love... at least we can make a small part of the world better...

To remember is to honor.
God Bless Leigh Osment and his family, FDNY 3/12/80-9/11/02.

/thoughtful blog

So... yeah. yeah, i know. easier said than done. ::again::
all i'm saying is I'll try. You should too.

take it or leave it. But please take it. please?

So yeah, today i got to work and there was a BIG ASS turtle in the middle of the parking lot. (i didn't notice it though, April did)... thing was HUGE! Yeah. then we had a ton of animal complaints all through the day. and we had a pet kitty in communications for a few. cute lil thing!

Anyways. ONE more day of daylight, then it's to richmond to get some stuff and go to the beach :-D Yay!

Oh, and as April said today "Be on the lookout for a white male, between 5'9" and 6', wearing... (pause) pants."

Yeah. cuz see, i'd be concerned if he wasn't wearing pants. :-P
LOL. anyways...

I may update some more tonight, see if i feel inspirational of sorts. I did think of one thing i want to write about, just not today though... it'd require sitting down to think it through. :--P Which means probably not after i've had a few drinks!

G'nite! :--)

Yeah. So from Sam's townhouse in p-run, we could see *most&* of spotswood's show. No reddish knobb b/c of the rain. BUT, we did set off a lot in p-run. (yeah, so some of them made popping sounds, but that was it!) Then some other *cool cats* in p-run set off a ton of highly illegal airborne ones that a) kicked major ass, and b) prompted about a 4 unit response from HPD. So, upon leaving I had a nice conversation with sgt. knott, who was hiding in his car in the back lot of p-run. (he asked if i saw the fireworks, and i told him where they came from. yeah... i'm a tattle. but they were done anyways so he couldn't do anything. and hell, if i were an officer i'd sit and enjoy them... and see where they were coming from, but enjoy them... and then when they were over i'd stroll over and politely hand them a summons. But that may just be me and my *slightly* bitchy ways!)

So there's my excitement for the night.

and you think i'm kidding? i'm not.

It's 11:02 and I'm exhausted from being up since 5:30. I think i have just enough wine in me to fall asleep all nice now. :--)

i think it's time for bed. tomorrow night we may have some more boxed wine and fireworks! We shall see. :--)

off to sleep for work at 7a. (GRRR!) Only 2 more days of daylight and then back to midday... hurray!

buenos noches!
(and my girls still rock my world... i love and miss you guys!)

Ok. WHY are some people one way to your face, and another way to another person? UGH! It's so annoying and wrong and I HATE PEOPLE!! It's okay though I guess. I've got a few friends who i KNOW would never do that! (Kristen, Tess, and Heather!) But... none of them are here! :--( Screw that!! Well, Tess will be back next Sat. for a few. So... Yay!
~~love for Tess!~~ :--)

blah. Seriously though. PEOPLE?!?! HELLO?!?!?! Man...

::speak softly and carry a BIG stick::
(insert other things you can do with a big stick... sorry)

Anyways. I'm going back to sharing some time with a drink. Can't drink a lot though since i have to work daylight tomorrow. (GRRR) And the next day (GRRRRRRR)... AND the next 1/2 day (GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)

But then it's the beach and vacation fun (i guess?), so it's ok.

Oh. another thing. Since i've been hanging out with a lot of TA and SHS people (well, graduates from there), there has been a *slight* misconfusion of sorts...

TA friends... i did not go to spotswood. Spotswood friends... i did not go to TA. I did not grow up in rockingham. i do not like green eggs and ham i do not like them sam i am! So... yeah. I went to HS in richmond and in fact grew up in NY. Little known fact. Though i may say "fire" like the rest of R-ham doesn't make me "from" here!

If I don't update this in the next few days, you know that it's because I'm at work. Or asleep. :--)

So... good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight. Pick whichever one applies. (Unless you'rea a backstabbing *****... in which case you can F**K OFF!)

Ok. So i'm bored. Me and my 12 fridge friends are just chillin.


WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: blue jeans
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Something by kenny chesney
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: beer. bud light to be exact.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: nice out i guess.
HOW ARE YOU?: Lonely

---------------
---Do you...---
---------------
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: Nope. "kidnapped by a greek bus driver and lived to tell about it"
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: moi? nahh ::dripping with sarcasm::
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: yeah
LIKE TO DRIVE?: Yeah
TYPE WITH FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?: i dunno, guess so
DRINK?: hey, i'm doint that now! ;)
SMOKE?: not really, sometimes when drinking
WEAR CONTACTS?: NOT ANYMORE! :--)
HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?: lil sis and lil bro

---------------
---Favorites---
---------------
RELATIVE: mulligan (the cousins dog)
TV SHOW: a tie b/t Southpark & Simpsons
SHAMPOO: right now, pantene
COMMERCIAL: there was a jeep one i liked, don't remember what it's called...
BOOK: The Lord of the Flies, or the HP series
MAGAZINE: um... cosmo? playboy? those are what we have in the apt.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: lori's sweet tea
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: anything alcoholic, shots are great, not yegermeister (or lots of tequila)
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: sleep. if i'm not working. weekends don't really matter anymore with a schedule like mine.
BAND OR GROUP: Country..... and Metallica and Slipknot. yeah, i know...
SINGER: Kenny Chesney
RAPPER: Eminem or Usher
MOVIE: There are too many to count
SCHOOL: I hate school. glad i'm done.
CLOTHES: clothes? but...there's something wonderful about nudity...
BOY NAME: i dunno
GIRL NAME: i really dunno.
HANGOUT: Wherever my friends are is where i am
RESTAURANT: Anywhere i can get spinach and queso dip, or cheese fries
FEELING: being loved... :--/
ICE-CREAM FLAVOR: Phish Food.. or just Klines
VACATION PLACE: i want to go to HI again. And to New Zealand.
SPORT: baseball (Mets... and i guess the Orioles), and football (Jets (mom) and Steelers (dad))
MUSIC: metal is like my feelings. But i like the sappy shit sometimes too. Just not a lot into boy bands and shit.
STORE: Tower Records in times square in NYC.
DAY OF THE YEAR: don't have one.
MONTH: i guess december, its birthday month.

-----------------
---Have you...---
-----------------
BROKEN THE LAW: me? nah... ;)
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: i hid in a bush with my best friend for about 40 minutes after school one day... then got grounded for a week
EVER CHEATED ON A TEST: not the important ones
STAYED UP TILL FOUR ON THE PHONE: On numerous occasions
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: never needed to
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Yeeep
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: ever since i started watching simpsons...
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: ummm... can't say i have
USED YOU PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: yes, but with permission
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: That's my major!!
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yeah... too much alkehol. and i passed out once but we won't go there...
FELL ASLEEP WHILE EATING: nope
FELL ASLEEP WHILE DRIVING: no. but you can talk to tess about that.
EVER MET SOMEONE FAMOUS: Triple H, and boys II men and tim curry and o-town and whoever else i met at macy's
WANTED TO DIE: Yes.
BEEN ON A PLANE: Yeah.
WENT SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN: Atlantic and Pacific actually
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: a few, was belle in beauty in the beast, that was the biggest role
CRIED IN PUBLIC: yeah
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: i'm a good friend, yes
GONE TO CHURCH: i should probably go there sometime soon...
READ THE BIBLE: parts of it
FISH: i had one... tri, a betta fish... i watched him die :(
SEEN SOMEONE DIE: yes. codes are not fun to work.

----------
---Love---
----------
BOYFRIEND?: nope, at least not to my knowledge.
GIRLFRIEND?: ha... i was told this was my new knickname at work. Actually, it wasn't that i was told, i was just called 'girlfriend' by an officer. anyways...
SEXUALITY?: do you have a boy for me?
CHILDREN?: maybe later sometime
CURRENT CRUSH?: i'm crushed if that counts? :--/
BEEN IN LOVE?: thought so.
TOO SHY?: used to be. not really though anymore.
BEEN HURT?: A lot. and a little too often
TRUSTED ANYONE?: Yes. and maybe i shouldn't have
HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT?: Yes.
CHEATED ON SOMEONE?: not who i was dating
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS?: yep
HAD/HAVE AN ONLINE RELATIONSHIP?: no
WHO DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?: if i knew, i'd be with him right now. don't know who with, but i would like to just stay here... i love it here. i know that much.

-------------
---Medical---
-------------
FRACTURE HISTORY: None
OPERATION HISTORY: laproscopy, and wisdom teeth
ALLERGIES: stuff. not sure exactly what. pollen probably.
HAD STITCHES: after surgery, and when i got a huge splinter in my foot (think 3 inches long)
CAVITIES: yeah, a couple
PHOBIA/S: spiders... yeah

----------
---Pets---
----------
CURRENT PETS: none
MOST UNUSAL PETS YOU'VE HAD: kit the butterfly, and the mice
BEST PET: ariel and flounder, my fish in 2nd grade
HAVE YOU EVER SHAVED YOUR CAT?: this doesn't sound like it should be in this section... or maybe it's just my mind?

------------
---Random---
------------
ROLLERCOASTERS -DEADLY OR EXCITING?: i like them
WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED AND IMPORTANT POSSESSION?: my standards of living.
WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOU: check email, shower, check email, eat
YOUR MOUSE PAD HAS ON IT: spongebob squarepants
WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: a couple of posters
WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?: come find out ;)
VEGETARIAN? VEGAN?: used to be. then i discovered the joy of bacon
THINKING OF RIGHT NOW?: Sleeping
WHAT DO YOU DO THAT REALLY PISSES OFF YOUR FRIENDS?: i dunno. be myself?
DO YOU HAVE A JOB?: yeah. Three actually.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: i told you, kenny chesney!!
AFTER SCHOOL/WORK YOU: sit around and waste away and get wasted
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?: a dark blue with sparkles in it with some fun name
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: making others happy and helping others.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: a blank one that i can burn stuff on :-P
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: people who i can hang out with that are as crazy as i am and who i can listen to when they need someone to rant to and will listen to me when i rant.... they're hard to find these days, i'm telling ya. also the kind you can just sit down and watch a movie and have a drink with and have a great time
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: work, hang out with friends, and have fun

------------------
---When/what was the last...---
-------------------------------
TIME YOU CRIED?: the other day
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: um... i dunno
YOU GOT E-MAIL?: about 20 minutes ago
THING YOU PURCHASED?: i guess that'd be my henn order
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED?: simpsons
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER?: Harry Potter III
TIME YOU WERE GROUNDED?: Middle school
WORDS YOU SAID?: call me
WORDS YOU TYPED?: i guess this
PHONE NUMBER YOU CALLED?: JMU Card Services to bitch them out.
PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: i dunno her name... but what a bitch!

----------------------
---Which is better?---
----------------------
MUD WRESTLING OR JELLO WRESTLING: Mud... it isn't sticky. AND you can do it at blue hole!! Not that it's been done before.
ORANGES OR LEMONS: Oranges.
DOLPHINS OR HORSES: Horses. (do you know me? HELLO?)
LEONARDO DiCAPRIO OR FREDDIE PRINZE JR.: Freddie Prinze Jr
SPICE GIRLS OR ALL SAINTS: um... neither
BEVERLY HILLS 90210 OR DAWSON'S CREEK: um... neither
7TH HEAVEN OR PARTY OF FIVE: negative... what is this?
DIET PEPSI OR PEPSI ONE: i like coke.
BRANDY OR MONICA: neither
CHOCOLATES OR FLOWERS: Flowers would make my day (HINT,HINT)
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: 'pends on my mood, and that made me want klines (damn you!)
BLACK OR WHITE: Black.
RAIN, SUN, OR SNOW: Snow, it's so calm and peaceful

-------------------------
---Your thoughts on...---
-------------------------
EATING DISORDERS: they're not cool.
PMS: I hate it, i don't get that bitchy though i don't think
MARILYN MANSON: eh
GUY BANDS: Ball in the House and DVN
PREMARITAL SEX: you're asking me? i plead the fifth.
SUICIDE: there's always something to live for, just find the thing to hold onto
SOUTH PARK: ***LOVE***
DREAMS: they get messed up when you're on narcotic painkillers, let me tell you... but i don't think anything i dream will ever come true...

and now there's about 9 of my fridge buddy light's left chillin' So i'm gonna go hang out with them. peace. ;-)

Yeah, i went to bed this morning and it was July. Holy Shit! What happened to June? I blinked and it was ::poof:: gone. Anyways. I move in like 18 days. Unreal.

Today I made a purchase: a dart board in a cabinet, for $8.50. It's awesome!! Yeah. And i got some wine glasses too and two shot glasses. that, and a shirt, all for $12. Can't beat it. Score :)

Hung out with Tracy, Jesse, and Lindsay this afternoon... fun times. I miss Tracy!! So i'm gonna join the gym and we're all gonna go together, and hang out more sometime. Yay. :)

Ok. I'm lame and i was going to go to finnegans or alstons or chasers or something, but decided not to go alone. Although the whole point of going was so i wasn't drinking alone. But i have about twelve friends chillin' in the fridge who i know i can call upon. ;)

::sigh::

going somewhere next tues-thurs. tell me where to go. I just don't want to stay here and be lonely, and preferibly I'd like to go to the beach. (Though I am FINALLY going to the beach in August- Corolla, NC! Yay!) Anyways. If you wanna do something with me, let me know because I'm off. Otherwise, it's richmond.

that is all.

So yeah. Remember how like two blogs ago i said i was gonna clean today? And how it was such a big effort? Well... yeah. So I scrubbed and cleaned the stove, including taking the actual burners off and washing them... then plugging them back in.

Then i made the mistake of about 5 minutes later turning one on... and SEVERELY electrocuting myself... my finger was black... and sparks were like all over there. So no stove for me right now... i'm a little scared to turn it back on.

Meanwhile, I refuse to call for rescue 40 to come look at my finger. Or for HFD to come look at the stove. I did my own EMT thing to it. Doesn't appear to be severely burned, i got all the black off of it, but it's gonna stay bandaged for a few days and right now its on ice.

But i swear, I should have died again. Wow.

Anyways.

If you can help me with CSS language, or hosting a background image for this site (i tried posting it on geocities but it doesn't work!), please let me know. I've been trying lots of stuff and it's not working!

And just like free food at the PD, I'm done.