The OLD FiReCrAcKeR

"Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could choose who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical."-Mr Twig

I SIGNED MY LEASE TODAY!!

and...

BECCA'S LIVING WITH ME!!

Yay she's the coolest big brother (who is younger than me) ever!
(yes, SHE is my big brother, and NO I am not from WV... though we do live rather close, and I might have some family there i'm not too sure about... but NO! :-P)

Oh yeah. So i don't remember if i ever posted about it, but about two weeks ago i had REAL bad sunburn. Well, it'll be two weeks on friday when i got it... but i JUST started peeling from it. Just a little delay... random. Not that you all needed to know that.

and i read my last blog and saw something i needed to correct. I said hoopin and hollerin... when i meant hootin and hollerin.... typo :-P

Anyways. Here's the new address as of 7/18:

730 Merlins Way (Avalon Woods, off of Reservoir!)
Harrisonburg, VA 22801

Yay!

Back to cleaning and waiting for more South Park tonight.

Rockstars rock on.

I'm tired, so i have no idea why I'm even bothering to update this. Nothing's new. Worked all day, 7a-7p. And thanks to 132 for much needed humor... A-firmative! You probably had to be there.

So then today another "incident" happened at work. Sort of related to the one i wanted to keep OUT of work last week... yeah. And it was an officer this time. Anyways. Now that the gossip has gotten to the officers, don't think we'll ever hear the end of it. Oh well.

Tonight didn't do much of anything either. Southpark was fun... chef aid one. :) Then went to Klines, brought Amy and Lori ice cream, and then went to Carmina's to watch a movie.

Tomorrow's all about cleaning and packing. My goal is to clean my room, pack what i don't need out, and clean/wash all the kitchen stove and microwave. Yeah... if you've seen it, it's a BIG goal.

I've been up for 21 hrs without a nap... so i think it's time i go to pass out. Keep on rockin' and rollin'

(or as the county said on the radio earlier...hoopin and hollerin')

YAY! It's cheaper than the place in Beacon Hill, AND it includes washer and dryer and is 2 bedrooms and 2 1/2 bathrooms! YAY!

730 Merlins Way... It's RIGHT off of Reservoir in Avalon Woods!

If you want to see it, let me know... I can show you, Jeff (my future landlord) said i could go over there since it's unlocked and show anyone :)


So that, plus these next 3 things, are my news for the day:

1) After my 3 days of work I'm released from the first part of training. LOL. (guess i had too good of a trainer last time!)

2) I applied for another part time job, as a volunteer coordinator (it's a paid job, i "coordinate" the volunteers!) for Rockingham Co. Fire/Rescue. So I'd be traveling about the County and doing media campaigns and making people want to volunteer. Yeah I can totally do that. And when I'm not travelling, i'd be at work at the 3rd floor of the public safety bldg. :-P
(home before it's really home)

3) i had to change my work schedule next week... cuz i needed July 9th off to be in Richmond... So i'm free from 3p Tuesday-Sunday... with the exception of Friday cuz i gotta drive back early. If you want to go to the beach, let me know. I tried to go two weeks ago with Tess but it didn't happen. I WANNA GET SUM SUN! And ride a few choice waves. I'll have to find my board! ;)


Ok. Can't really think of much else. Tonight I'm just resting and what not since I gotta work tomorrow! 7a-7p, then off 'till Friday. Sweeeeeeeeeet.

Ever had an incredibly weird dream where you can remember lots of details and people and you’re in it as a “character”, but it’s also kind of like viewing a film? Yeah. So I haven’t had the chance to write about this, but I had this dream on Fri. night…

The first thing I remember about this dream is being at work. Only, it wasn’t “work” per-se at HPD… it was (I guess) at the new building. I remember how everything looked so vividly and everyone was there, plus some other people I didn’t know (but my ‘character’ did know…) And I was best friends with a girl named Amanda who worked with me. Yeah wierd considering I'm normally not good friends with girls. I dunno. It's a dream. But it was not the Amanda I work with now, a different one who really loved horses. Which was cool, cuz we loved to talk about them and go to shows and what not. Near obsessed, lol. I dunno. But she was one of my REALLY good friends is all i remember from the dream.

Anyways, so in my dream for some reason I’m pregnant. Yeah… what? It was freaky. So they give me a baby shower, but it’s not for one kid, of course I have to be having twins. WHAT? Yeah. I was freaking out while watching my dream myself. What the hell!?

Then like I remember it fast forward to me having the kids, they were named Bryan and Emily (I dunno or remember any of naming them in my dream, and the names are really random, but that’s what I called them). Yeah. And then I remember DRIVING home to our HOUSE out in the county. It was a really cute country house with an almost wrap around porch and some land like a horse ranch house! Aaaand I think it was in/near Broadway.

And then I remember bringing them into work to show people. And then it fast forwarded until they were 6 mo old. And then I remember waking up and thinking about my kids and remembering I didn’t have any. Which was a gigantic sigh of relief, i guess. RANDOM!

considering I normally have shitty dreams this was an exception. I mean it wasn't shitty but i dunno if that's what the future holds for me! SHIT!

So Yeah. I don’t have the name freak girl for nothing.
*WHEW* that was one of the craziest dreams I had in a while…


Wow. So last night or Sat night I didn’t have any exciting dreams, but I did sleep over with Joanne on Sat. And we had a black peeper guy stare in at us and jerk off to us while we were sleeping because we’re obviously so hot. No really. We did have a peeper. And he was scary. And we called VCU police to deal with it at 5am.

And thus is why I will never live on the first floor of a fan apartment. (and if shit happens like my dream, I will Never, EVER have an apartment in the fan at all. (not looking for one!)(yay!))

And that, my faithful blog readers, brings it full circle.

G’morning blogworld... or g'nite, depending on who ya are!

So I have something I can't write about in my blog. Not because it's something I'll get in trouble over or anything like that, but because it pertains to a person who probably will read this. I want to write about it, i do... but I'm not too sure if it's a good idea or not. And it probably isn't. Well... I'll write a little.

Over the past month or so a lot has changed in my life. From leaving JMU behind, to getting a job, to amazing memories, to feeling something that i didn't think i'd feel again. Yeah. LOTS of stuff...

I guess to get to the point, what I'm saying is that when watching movies, I used to sit alone... until a hand came along pulled me over to the couch, and showed me otherwise again. And while i don't want to lose that feeling, it kind of scares me. Because i don't want to be hurt. I mean i guess it's inevitable and a part of life... but i just want to be happy. And it does make me happy... it's just staying happy that's the issue. Can that ever happen?

Answer? Bueller?
(a simple yes or no will suffice)


And don't think that any of the past month hasn't meant anything to me. I didn't plan on any of this happening, it just sort of did. And it has meant something to me.

Anyways. I could write (a lot) more but i won't, out of knowing everyone will read this and that it isn't 'really' a journal diary. Nor do i keep one of those, which is why this must suffice. So... i'll just stop now.

Ok. So I hate how the PD can be a haven for rumors and what not. (I guess any workplace is) What I do on my 32 hours of work, is my 32 hours of work. What i do with the remaining 136 hours of my week is what i do with the remaining 136 hours of my week. Yeah, stuff can reflect on the department. And yeah, sometimes that stuff should be talked about. But the stuff that's all personal stuff... negative.

So this is a mini-plea for no more gossip. I'd like to initiate my own conversataions rather than getting bombarded with questions on what i do with my personal time. And if I wanted to talk about it at work, which i dont, at least not yet, I would have mentioned it.

So... yeah. Thanks.



and I just found some more places to look at to live. YAY! One on Old Windmill Cir/Lake Terrace, and another in Avalon Woods. So you'll hear updates later.

Peace.

So today i waited for the UPS man

and waited for the UPS man...

and waited for the UPS man...

and waited some MORE for the UPS man.

at 5:30 he came bearing pampered chef goodness. Yay! (it is these little things that excite me!)

Then at 7 I left for work. Yeah, it was a good night. I got to use the radio and not answer phones for a change. That's minus dude with all twelve direct indictments that i had to enter. Seriously man. craziness. pity to the officer who has to serve those and write up the reports!

But i was supposed to leave at 3, and left at 4 because of warrant boy as stated above. (I was given him to deal with at 1:30 and with all the other stuff going on didn't finish all the entry stuff until 3:30... blah)

Anyways. So about my 3rd DOR (and 2nd that was graded)... they're graded on a scale of 1-7, 1-3 being unacceptable, 4-6 being acceptable, and 7 being superior.... i go to look at it, and the lowest score i got was a 5! And it was the only 5 that i had! The rest were 6's and 7's... i didn't think i was that good, esp. for it being only my 3rd day back, but ok i guess. yayness!

Don't think there's much more left to say that i can say. But it was a fun night despite warrant boy and my lateness in leaving. :)

Anyways. I'll post more later. It's nearly 4:30am and I should go to bed!
(FYI... just thought it was interesting that it's 6:30pm down under now. Thanks to the only person who isn't idle/away on my buddy list... Erin!)

Goodnight! (or if you're in aussie land like erin... go get dinner!)

Peaccccccce.


ps. nobody gave me a back massage tonight like my away message asked for. that's sad. :(

Life isn't about keeping score.
It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all.
It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you.
It's not about your shoes, or your hair, or the color of your skin, or where you live or go to school.
In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.
Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, orif you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt.
It's about how you feel about yourself.
It's about trust, happiness, and compassion.
It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love.
Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence.
It's about what you say and what you mean.
It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.
Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.

THESE choices are what life is about.

Because it wouldn't post before.

FIRST BLOG of the night:
I'm wierd... but yeah, you the reader of this blog already know that. :)

I was just talking to my mom and a part of our phone conversation would have sounded really wierd to those who don't know my family... the whole "yeah, i just got out of the PD" or "yeah, i finally got out of the hospital." ... yeah. lol.

anyways. long day at work really wasn't that long. I guess the most annoying thing about daylight is the sheer amount of people you have to transfer on the phone. There's really not a whole lot of significant calls. (and as i say this, the world comes crashing down around me as the wrath of god unfurls...) Anyways. I work tomorrow night. I heart middays and nights!

Other than that, not much else is really new with me. Yesterday Kerri got her hair cut to the length of a little boy, and we spent the day finding pink clothes for her so nobody would mistake her for a boy in academy (since she is the only girl!). hahaha.

Then last night, I hung out with Carmina and we talked for the longest time, went back to the mall, and experimented with highlights and what not in my hair... yeah... NEGATIVE!! So i had to go to walmart for some emergency hair dye.... which made my hair reddish. Which looks kinda cool. Like i wanted it to be that way. Rockstar. (in my not-so lil jon voice) YEAH!


Anywhooo.


I was going through some stuff of mine... and I just read a letter from one of my friends and it was really very emotional and well written, and it even made me cry. Have you ever read something that made you cry, think about something more deeply, or even realize something that you never would have normally? I think everyone has at some point. Anyways, the point of this entry is that it really made me realize how incredibly lucky I am in every little part of my life. I think the point that i want to get across here is that words play an incredibly huge and important role in life... whether they are written, typed, or spoken.

"I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them. Words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."
~Leigh Michael Osment, 3/12/80-9/11/02


I know that i more often than not am blunt with my words... i think it's because i just like to get the point across and nothing more. Which i guess is a good thing. I do have trouble explaining things sometimes though... and Leigh's quote summs up all of it. Leave me a comment on your opinion on all of this

"Words do two major things: They provide food for the mind and create light for understanding and awareness"
~Jim Rohn

"If words are to enter men's minds and bear fruit, they must be the right words shaped cunningly to pass men's defenses and explode silently and effectually within their minds."
~J. B. Phillips

"But words are things, and a small drop of ink,
Falling like dew, upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think."
~Lord Byron

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter."
~James Earl Jones

yep.


that said, i'm gone like free food in communications. Holler.


SIKE! Here's the SECOND BLOG OF THE NIGHT: Crossroads and thoughts

I was leafing through my live journal (leafers, hahaha... if you've seen family guy...) and found an entry from a while ago and decided to add to it and repost it to get your thoughts. If you read this, i WANT your thoughts. and i know who reads this... i have my ways ;) All of you profile stalkers...

So. Here's the question for all of you that read this and pay attention to my life... I think I'm at one of those crossroads (well, just got through a major one, and now you could say i'm at a T bone intersection) where you don't know exactly which path to choose, or what to do. One of those decisions that you're forced to make, but that will affect whatever you do for a period of time in your life. (just made that one) These things come up all the time... stuff that you ponder "what if?" about all the time. Like what if I went to V-tech instead of JMU? What would my life be like? What if i didn't join the organizations I was a part of? What if i waited a semester and joined KKPsi instead of TBS? What if Leigh wasn't in NYC on 9-11-01? What if my aunt was at work on the 92nd Floor of tower 2 that day? What if the person you thought you loved didn't hurt you? What if you WERE engaged or even MARRIED right now (or what if you weren't?)? What if I never moved to VA?

These are all questions to which obviously can't change the answer of, and shouldn't even bother contemplating. But I think it's part of human nature to want to contemplate these possible outcomes, and then we always tend to "beat oursellves up" if we realize we made a decision that we in time realize we don't like.

I'm kind of in the stage right now where i am beating myself up over a couple of things that i probably shouldn't be beating myself up over. I mean, in all theory nobody should beat themselves up...

I guess what it all boils down to is that fickle word we all tend use a lot... "love"

this silly word can be used in many situations... ex: "I love KFC mashed potatoes." or "I love -(name removed since time has since gone)-." When we use this word, we use it freely. IS there such thing as true and real love? You can't say you love maccaroni, and then turn around and say you love someone... and have both be the same meaning. I guess there are many different levels of love.

I'm kind of coping with finding the level that i'm at right now with various people and things in my life. and i guess just knowing where they stand as well with me.

I dunno... i guess coming from the background where my parents are divorced and in my general experience, i've seen it end in a bad way a few times.

i just don't know if i can believe. I guess i just need someone to show me how?

Ok. So I think that was the first time i was at the PD and LOST track of time and almost ended up staying later than i had to. Wow. But yeah, i could have stayed 'till 7a... was actually having fun! (give me a few weeks and i can probably guarantee you there may be a slight change in this opinion!)

So in the course of tonight:

(officer who shall remain nameless): You're back!
me: Yup!
officer: welcome back!
********two minutes later, to amanda***********
officer: she was sick for a long time!
amanda: what?!?

lol.

and i ended up taking more than 1/2 of the tests in the training manual. Yeah. Those ones that took all semester during the fall. Yeah. I'm almost done, in fact i'll probably finish on Wed. (This means that the dictaphone and I will have a duel. I don't know why i hate it so much!) and i just kind of started doing stuff, probably do more on wed, but i'm suprised at how much I remembered.

It's nice to be back :)

ok. it's almost 4am but since i was up all night last night i'm staying up now and sleeping during the day tomorrow. i'll recover tues. so i can work daylight (ICK!) on wed.

I'm gonna make my website tonight. (hopefully).

it will be HERE when i get it to work!

and yes, that is signal90six. Signal96 was taken. So i had to improvise.
(perhaps I have the domain and don't know it...)

Anyways. when you read this I will probably be sleeping since it will be daylight.
Buenos Noches to me. :)

where did the weekend go? Yeah, haven't updated since thurs... haven't really had time. Spent Friday night intoxicated in the forest... and last night too actually. :-P I think i had more fun on Friday than last night though, but i was more intoxicated then as well (wish i could remember more, lol...)

Anyways.

So we went camping last night. It was so damn cold. And our fire sucked. Well, it only sucked cuz we ran out of wood and all the other wood that we had was wet. And no pun intended there... ;)

So... yeah. Hot dogs and smores and beer. (oh my...) that about summs up last night :)

And now I'm back to the civilization that is Harrisonburg... time to take a shower and nap before i have to work later.

G'nite daylight world!

Ok. So today I had to go get copies made of all the Library books i've had since, like, the beginning of april. So first I try to renew some of them, cuz by now they have to be overdue (i had been renewing them, just wasn't sure when they were due). So I go to the LEO online record thing to renew them and it won't let me. Stupid JMU suspended my account... so I can't take anything out. HELLO!?! I'm an EMPLOYEE who depends on doing RESEARCH... meaning i have to TAKE BOOKS out of the LIBRARY! Geez. I have to get a new JACard this week. It's gonna be one of those ugly like light purple ones that the staff have. Whoohoo.

At least i'll still be able to go to UREC for free and not have to pay for a gym. (This is good). Not that I've ever really gone to UREC a lot.... But there's a pool and jacuzzi and sauna, and over the summer nobody's really there. AND i have two guest passes/semester. (if you want to come and you're in h'burg and not a student, lemee know ;))

OH, last night my closet fell on me. Literally. The entire shelf/bar that had my clothes on it COMPLETELY collapsed.... and there was nothing on the shelf. Scared the *shit* out of me! Anyways, I guess it's a testament to how crappy student apartments really are.

And guess what? Becca might be living with me next year! YAY! :-D I hope it all works out, cuz i know I could live with her. :) (Muchisimo alcohol, beisbol, y helado... ;))
So if it works out you'll be able to visit Casa 174!

:-D and I talked to the realtor lady today and she's really nice. Score!

Anyways. Since my library books are overdue i'm gonna see if i can find any more around the apt. and then when it stops pouring i'm gonna bring them back. Catch me later :)



Ok... i had ended this here before but I'm adding to it.

Listen to this. My kid one day will probably do this. LOL.


Ok for real now. PEACE!

mmmmmm.... just had a memory of standing at the top of a mountain looking over the valley. It's one of my happy thoughts. :) I want more like them...

OK. so along the lines of the title of my blog... i really do need a beer. So a BUNCH of people have gotten engaged this week. WHAT? it's crazy. I mean, I'm happy for them, but the ones that have only known the person for like 6 months... you gotta wonder how long it'll last. Although... I guess the length of time you know your fiance doesn't matter, could be 6 months, 2 months, or 4 1/2 years... i guess if it's meant to be it happens. I dunno. It's not really depressing in the fact that I'm single, I just don't want any of my friends to get hurt. And i guess it'd be nice to have someone to be with too. It's always nice to have someone... so long as you don't get hurt again.

::sigh::

anyways.

So I went to the PD today, had my meeting with Sarah and filled out all the paperwork that she needed. Then I had to go get my city ID (again)... blah. Not the best picture, but is it ever the best picture? ha. Got my schedule and what not, start work again on Sunday. Which means I'm gonna clean and get stuff done until then. Which is what I was doing now. Or at least what i was doing until i wandered over to my laptop. :)

I keep finding things i didn't know i had. Cleaning is fun. I guess I should do it more often!

and some randomness... i have all of these *little* bugbites all over my arms and legs and back. They're not mosquito bites, they're too little. And don't tell me they're spider bites.... I'll kill you. :-P

Ok. Back to cleaning out my life. I'll be back later.

And congrats to all of my friends who are leaving me behind in the land of singles. I wish you well on your journey...

Peace.

Wow. So about ten minutes ago I recieved a phone call...

:::ring:::

me: hello?
person: hi, this is Sgt. Walker with the VCU police department
me: hello Sgt. Walker
Sgt. Walker: I was just calling to tell you that you have been selected for the final hire interview. This means that I am offering you a job with our department. Congratulations! When can you come in for the paperwork interview? I have these times open...
Me: I appreciate all the time and effort that your department has put forward in reviewing my application, but I just accepted another position and I am going to respectfully decline your offer.
Sgt. Walker: What department are you working at?
Me: The City of Harrisonburg
Sgt Walker: As an officer?
Me: No, as a dispatcher.
Sgt. Walker: oh.
Me: But I sincerely thank you for your interest and the time you spent reviewing my application.
Sgt. Walker: Well I wish you the best in your new position
Me: Thank you again
Sgt. Walker: bye
me: bye

:::Click:::

Then I just sat there. What did I just do? Isn't that what I had waited all school year to hear?

Yeah. It was. It really really was...

But, it is that, and exactly that. It's what I had wanted all year. But what if what you wanted turned out to be not what you want, and then what you thought you didn't want turned out to be exactly what you wanted in the first place. It's life, it's fate, it's not really totally under your control. But I know for a fact that I will be happier here. I know for a fact I didn't want to work with that department anyways.

I know for a fact I just turned down a full time job with benefits for my part time job without benefits. :-/

Hopefully I can go full time at some point... sooner than later... because I can't afford to pay for my own health insurance. :-/


Anyways... just thought I'd share that turning point in my life with you all.


And... randomness. I got to shoot my gun for the first time last night with mike. It was pretty kickass! And then i had an internal debate with myself if a plant was poison or not... didn't think too much about it since i had to pee... and that was bad. I probably should have thought more... my ankles have all these little bumps on them!
(note to self...)

Also, a few more people have talked to me about living with me. I think we found a place too, it's in Beacon Hill right when you enter. 174 Emerson. So there's probably a good possibility that that's where me (and whomever i live with) will be!

So. I think it's back to cleaning a little more and doing some work. I'll probably be drinking beer later and what not. If you're still here, IM or call me!

Yup. I'm officially back after playing musical chairs (cities?) across the state of Virginia.

So... within about an hour of me getting back here I was back out on the road again with a girl that i met to be my possible roommate. She was pretty cool, but she has a little dog so if i live with her we have to take that into consideration. So... we'll see. Anyways, searched the DNR and looked around town, ended up finding a few that were really nice! Called the real estate woman and I should be meeting her this week to go look at them! So... score. One even has a garage. and a blue front door. (all the doors were like different colors... so i can find my way home when i'm drunk like they do in ireland ;)) So... I think that's pretty cool. (we'll see if i can afford it!)

Anyways. SO much to do this week. Frysinger research, packing, TRYING to get Sarah to call me so i can fill out the paperwork for the PD (hopefully this will happen this week since i was told it was supposed to happen last week? I dunno.), looking at townhouses, meeting prospective roommates.... ack!!


Speaking of prospective roommates... I've made a list of "qualities" that a person needs to have in order to consider being my roommate... some are funny: ;)

You must...
15)Be able to have fun.
14)Be respectful.
13)Be clean (or at least clean up a mess they make, if not right away in decent time!)
12)Be cool with the fact that i'm obsessed with candles (b/c I really am)
11)Be a cool person.
10)Not make fun of me for liking the pampered chef!
9)Not have a CH. (don't think i won't run a QH to find out!)
8)Be cool with the fact that I sleep at random times and
7)Be social. I don't want soemone who isn't gonna talk to me at all. I don't want to be your best friend but i do want to talk and maybe have a mixed drink or beer every once in a while. Speaking of...
6)Like alcohol. No big parties of course. Just drinking with friends. Beer, wine, mixed drinks... it's all good to me.
5)Not mind that I love art and make a lot of stuff. By stuff I mean stained glass and paintings and what not.
4)LIKE food. and eating. I love to eat. (anorexic jmu girls need not apply)
3)Be cool with me coming home at wierd hours.
2)Not be like the bunnies upstairs if i can hear you from your room. If not, then i don't care... be a bunny!
1)Be the person since you read to the bottom of this list!

haha. So I just stretched it to make it a top 15 countdown to 1. LOL. Anyways if you or someone you know fits that sort of thing, let me know ASAP. I'd rather live with someone I know!!

Ok... back to cleaning. Peace!

So this morning I decided I'd drive back to Richmond... figured i'd pissed mom off enough the night before by leaving. It was quite the enjoyable drive. I love driving cuz it gives you alone time to think about stuff. Yup...

So. News of the day: my brother is officially a HS graduate. NO joke. He got his diploma and everything. He says he passed by 1.25 points. hahaha...

and more news.... I got to see Erin today! (yay!) I saw her at the graduation, and a few other people that i graduated with. Scariness, since four years ago that was us... who would have thought we would have changed that much. It's going to be crazy in 4 more years when i have my sister's graduation to go to. Scary! (I'll be 25. That's 1/2 way to 50! (ah!) I could rent a car!)

And today i put a post online for someone to contact me about housing if they wanted to. And a girl called me today within an hour of me posting it. So... cool. Although I would rather live with someone who i know... or someone that knows someone...

other things... not much really. The stupid mall closes at 9:30 down here. I mean really! 9:30?!?! In NY it's open 'till like 10-11 on a Sat. Boo. So Erin and I came back here in search of my black clothes to resurrect for Ozzfest. Heheh... i look like a rockstar in them. ;) Maybe I'll do the black (or magenta shiny pink, or silver) nailpolish for it. I'll take pics... believe me. ;) No JNCO'S this time!

Anyone up for a full day of drinking and metal? (drinking metal?) Ozzfest starts at 9am. Lawn tickets are $35.50. Pleaaaaaaaaaase come and have fun with me! I want to order tix soon! July 18 @ Nissan. :)

And since i just talked about Ozzfest, i'll end the post with lyrics from Slipknot:
(if you can tell me the song first, WITHOUT cheating, you get a prize ;))

"All that I wanted the dreams I had before
All that I needed I've never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
All of my endings waiting to begin.."

Let me begin by saying the sex bunnies upstairs are going at it as i type. I swear she's probably gotten more ass in the last week than i've gotten all year! My cieling is going to collapse on me...

Anyways. I went to Richmond today... was supposed to be there until Sunday but I decided that i didn't want to be. So... I drove back. In the rain. And the fog. but hey, i guess it was worth it.

So.. my room here is a complete mess. BUT so far I have found $20 in quarters. Yes folks, that's $20. What am I going to do with it you ask? Well, probably buy some beer, maybe go to the bull pen, and maybe wash my truck. I'd say that's a good use. :)

Anyways, not really too much to write. The Dr didn't do much of anything, BUT i get to go to some ENT in July to tell me that i need to get my tonsils removed. Whoo-hoo for another surgery.


Blah. If you're in harrisonburg, IM me. I'm really bored.

I have to share this conversation I had tonight with one of my *oldest* JMU friends (we've known each other since band camp! Go Guard!!)

jmu hip POs: and it's pretty hard to like open up and want to trust someone like that again, cuz you don't want to get hurt
JMUdreamANGEL: YEA it is
JMUdreamANGEL: majorly hard
JMUdreamANGEL: you can talk about doing it easily, but actually doing it is sooooooo hard
jmu hip POs: word.
jmu hip POs: I've been single for 3 1/2 years because of it
JMUdreamANGEL: and that's a pretty long time to heal
jmu hip POs: yeah
JMUdreamANGEL: I hate it when I feel like I'm chasing a guy and they SEEM to like me but then never really call or anything
jmu hip POs: yeah, i hate that too
~~~~~~~~~
JMUdreamANGEL: yea for real it's SO good to know those things...and it is SO wrong for ppl to intentionally hurt you
JMUdreamANGEL: I've been there, and it is mind boggling and beyond painful
jmu hip POs: you don't have to tell me about it, it totally is
jmu hip POs: and to think that people actually do that to other people and don't really thing anything other of it
JMUdreamANGEL: yep.
JMUdreamANGEL: they're just CRUEL.
JMUdreamANGEL: and 100% selfish
jmu hip POs: I didn't want to date for a LONG time... hence where i am now
jmu hip POs: yeah it is
JMUdreamANGEL: b/c you have to be to do things hurtfully intentionally and not care all that much
JMUdreamANGEL: yea, it's good to be single and just be your diva self for awhile !
JMUdreamANGEL: I think it's essential to any girl
jmu hip POs: or guy. yeah, it totally is! it gives you time to collect yourself
JMUdreamANGEL: FOR real
jmu hip POs: but i think i'm ready to have someone again. i just want to know that whomever that is, understands what it's like and won't hurt me. and i wouldn't know how to tell them, but they should know that i wouldn't hurt them either... cuz i know what it's like
JMUdreamANGEL: and then you can add a guy to your already awesome life rather than letting one be the center of it
JMUdreamANGEL: yea for real
JMUdreamANGEL: totally an essential thing to know and RESPECT in a relationship
jmu hip POs: exactly
JMUdreamANGEL: yea for real...it's so much easier when you both understand where the other is coming from completely like that

So at least one person is on the same page as me! Yeah... I'm gonna stop that conversation right there.... and finish with another funny part (on getting a new dog):

JMUdreamANGEL: I just got him today from the shelter
JMUdreamANGEL: :-)
jmu hip POs: awwww!!!
JMUdreamANGEL: he's sooooooooooo cute
JMUdreamANGEL: JUST what ya need to replace a guy :-D
JMUdreamANGEL: hehe
jmu hip POs: hahaha definately
JMUdreamANGEL: they'll never invite other girls over, they won't lie to ya, and they'll be SO excited to see you everytime you come home

TOTALLY true. I want a dog. But i have to see where I'm living first!

So today Tess and I went to dry run 3 times. Yes, 3 times. First I wanted to go tape me off roading before I took the camera back... then tess wanted to go with Allen... then we went back with mike. So... yeah. That's all i did today. drive through the mud!!

AND the scariest thing ever happened today. A WOLF spider came into my truck while i was driving it. I stopped, and it was a good thing i threw it into park, because i screamed like crazy and somehow ended up on tess's lap. ::cringe:: THAT was the scariest and nastiest thing ever. Wow, i hate spiders... ::cringes again and shivers::

And i decided that the perfect end to my forest wedding would be to get in a jeep or something and go off roading out of there. Arrive at wherever the reception would be with dirt all over it. (but not my dress ;))

hehehe.

Anyways, got the video if you wanna see it, and some awesome pics. Will post them later on my new website:
http://Signal96.moonfruit.com/

But that's probably only my trial website. I have 14 days left. Just wanted to upload something. I'm looking for a free server now!

And that's all for tonight. Remember to keep your windows up when driving through the mud! ;) Peace.

I found the following on my hard drive... locked away from a few years ago. I decided to read it, and post it... in hopes that you all can either better understand or just enjoy it. So... please do

I Wish You Could See

I wish you could ...
know what it is like to search burning bedroom for trapped children, flames rolling above your head, your palms and knees burning as you crawl, the floor sagging under your weight as the kitchen below you burns.

I wish you could ...
comprehend a wife's horror at 3 in the morning as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try to save his life.

I wish you could ...
understand what it means to be the calming voice instucting a frantic mother on how to perform CPR on her unresponsive child before rescue arrives.

I wish you knew ...
the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I've become too familiar with.

I wish you could ...
understand how it feels to go to work in the morning after having spent most of the night, hot and soaking wet at a multiple alarm fire.

I wish you could ...
read my mind as I respond to a building fire "Is this a false alarm or a working fire? What hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?" Or to an EMS call, "What is wrong with the patient? Is it minor or life-threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?"

I wish you could ...
be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes. Who will never go on her first date or say the words, "I love you Mommy" again.

I wish you could ...
know my thoughts as i gather information from a petrified woman reporting a burglary in progress from her house.

I wish you could ...
know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine or my personal vehicle, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us, however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, "It took you forever to get here!"

I wish you could ...
know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. "What if this was my sister, my girlfriend or a friend? What were her parents' reaction going to be when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?"

I wish you could ...
know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.

I wish you could ...
feel the hurt as people verbally, and sometimes physically, abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of "It will never happen to me."

I wish you could ...
realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could ...
know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone's property, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.

I wish you could ...
understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, "Is Mommy okay?" Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having rescue breathing done on him as they take him away in the ambulance. You know all along he did not have his seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with.

Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our job really means to us ... I wish you could though.

APPRECIATE AND SUPPORT THE LOCAL EMS WORKERS, FIREFIGHTERS, LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS, & EMERGENCY COMMUNICATIONS OFFICERS IN YOUR AREA. ONE DAY THEY'LL PROBABLY BE SAVING YOUR PROPERTY OR YOUR OWN LIFE. WHEN YOU SEE THEM COMING WITH LIGHTS FLASHING, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY QUICKLY. THEN PRAY FOR THEM. THEY ARE RACING, TOO.

A few people I know emailed this to me... and some had it on their LJ's. So i decided out of boredom I'd post it here. Maybe you'll learn something random about me!

Fourteen things you wish to accomplish:
-Get rid of my complex and try to date again... for real
-Grow with my job for a while... if not a long long while. Maybe get promoted and put my B.S. degree to work using all my HR and administration stuff and maybe teach.
-Find someone... take it slow. Have someone again...
-Finish my research project on proactive policing. Changing it up to make the NPS ranger dispatch center act more proactive. Yeah, you heard me. Proactive dispatching. It sounds funny but it's a different aspect of being proactive than proactive patrol. It's anticipating things before they happen and more... not gonna totally go into it here. If you're interested ask me. Maybe I'll get published somewhere.
-Cleaning out all of the stuff i have at dad's house
-Buy a real house. No more renting. Maybe out in Rawley Springs. (Upper Rawley)
-Pay off the Student Loans and my car and my credit cards... and not being in debt.
-Play my Sax again in Community Band next summer if i have time
-Teach my class on "Critical Spanish for the Law Enforcement Officer or Emergency Communications Personnel" that i had to write for class. Maybe split it into two since there's a lot of difference in the EMD stuff and the patrol stuff. But yeah, using it cuz i forgot about it until yesterday and it'd be a waste not to use it. (though it did get me an A!)
-Being able to tell those close to me about my dad and the divorce stuff
-Get my black belt in kickboxing (now that i'm staying here)
-Provided I find someone... and we decide to, get married in the forest or something like that. Start a family.
-Skydive. Or Parasail. Or both? I'm a daredevil and i usually try anything once.
-Go to Hawaii again. This time with someone to enjoy it with.


Thirteen random things you like:
-The forest and being outdoors (Nice Days)
-Stars and Waterfalls and Sunsets (and someone to enjoy them with me)
-Metallica!
-Family Guy (and all the TV shows i listed below!)
-Being loved...
-The sound of the Marching band on the first day of band camp :) forever an MRD!
-Airsoft. Or just the shooting range. I've got pretty good aim. Maybe I'll apply for my CWP sometime soon.
-Sex and the City
-Tigger from Winnie-the-Pooh. I'm bouncy trouncy flouncy and pouncy (fun fun fun fun fun!)
-Fireplaces in the winter. And REAL christmas trees. (I get the tree on my birthday :))
-Weather phenomena... like t-storms, big-ass snowstorms, hurricanes, tornadoes (Though i wouldn't want to be in one of them!)
-Hanging out with a group of my friends... love you guys whether I tell you that or not!
-Playing Clarinet or Sax... or just pounding it out with the drumsticks. I'm going to learn the fiddle part of "Devil went down to Georgia" soon... got the fiddle!

Twelve movies: (very hard for me)
-Super Troopers
-Dirty Dancing
-Newsies
-Top Gun
-The Wizard of Oz
-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-Being John Malkovich (cuz it's wierd)
-The American President
-Southpark: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
-Meet the Feebles (like fraggles but getting high)
-Any of the Harry Potter movies
-Shrek 2 (for lack of thinking at 8am)


Eleven good bands: (taking band loosely, and knowing i have the craziest genre taste of anyone)
-Metallica (pre-black album!)
-Slipknot
-Linkin Park
-Black Sabbath
-Learning to like these bands (or the ones i don't know). Come with me... i haven't bought tix yet!
-Garth Brooks
-Thestir (when they were together!)
-Small Town Workers (sTw)
-Jimmy Buffett
-David Pope. (Go see him at Daves if you haven't... he's amazing on the Sax)
-Dave Matthews Band
(yes... the list DOES start with Metallica and end with Dave Matthews Band. I'm aware.)

Ten things about you ... physically:

-I've got really pale skin. Sometimes it's tan. Now my arms are!!
-I'm about 5'4"
-I aparantly have a really smooth body? ;)
-Not that you want to know... but the hair on my arms and legs is really really invisible
-I've got flat feet.
-I have a lot of scars. one that looks like an "i" on my knee, one on my abdomen from surgery, and then a line on my neck (across my throat) and a squiggle on my left wrist (from my car accident... thank god for seatbelts)
-I have really long fingers. Especially my middle one!
-I'm double jointed
-I'm always sick. And I've been told I had cancer a few times. But nothing so far. (Thankfully!)
-I'm getting my tonsils taken out at some point this summer!

Nine random memories:
-Seeing the Challenger accident... i was little and didn't quite understand it, but i remember being with Kristen and our mom's were completely bawling
-September 11th... reading away messages, becca waking me up, going to the living room and putting on the news and just falling to the ground. I knew too many people...
-Moving away from everything that i knew. Then leaving there. And truly finding where I belong...
-My sister's reaction to my parents getting divorced. And then my learning the reasoning...
-Graduation from College. It was one of the best days of my life. (I hope to only be topped by days like an engagement or wedding day, etc...)
-Helping a girl last year over 911. I won't go into a ton of details but I remember the call in my head. I think that it's part of what made me want to come back.
-Playing Indians when I was younger. We made our own language: Leni Lenape "The river people". And finding the shell pile in Kristen's backyard!
-Paradise City... enough said!
-Recent memories of off-roading and beer and fun times... love the fun times :)

Eight favorite foods/drinks: (here's where i get the name "freak girl!"
-Cheese. Pretty much anything. I LOVE cheese.
-Fried Pickles
-Fried Chicken (are we getting the "fried" part? I belong in the South!)
-Bacon!
-NY Bagels and Pizza
-Panera's broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl and the portobella sandwich... mmmm
-Fish and clams and stuff (i grew up on the beach!)
-I can't believe i forgot Beer until now! (in the words of Chad Siever... "I need a beer!")

Seven things you wear daily: (this is currently... different in the winter!)
-flip flops.
-A thong. (cuz you needed to know that)
-The eagle ring that Leigh gave me before he died. (so i don't "wear" it. but it's always with me)
-Bra. (duh! unless it's built into a shirt.)
-Pants
-Shirt
-Not rechnically "wear"... but my cell phone

Six things that annoy you:
-Stupid People. (and lord knows there's enough of THEM here in h'burg)
-How I've become "countrified" and say "Harrisonburg," "water," and "fire" (if you ask me to say these i won't... but if you listen you'll hear what H'burg/R'ham has done to me!!)
-People who intentionally hurt other people
-FAKE people.
-People who can't be honest
-That when i was looking for housing online for H'burg, I found a link for quality housing, clicked on it, and it led me to Harris (Harlem?) Gardens. REALLY... negative!!!

Five things you touch everyday:
-um... ::deleted item:: ;)
-A computer (or laptop)
-My hair
-My keys
-A beer

Four shows you watch:
-Simpsons
-Family Guy
-SouthPark
-Monster House, Trading Spaces, or the new show Extreme Home Makeover

Three celebrities you have a crush on:
-um... i don't really know
-David! (Duchovny or however you spell it. The truth IS out there! I miss the X Files)
-I really don't know...

Two people on LJ you have kissed:
-I'm not on LJ anymore!

One person you could spend the rest of your life with:
-I'll have to get back to you...

So it's ironic. But it's 9:11 am now. Perhaps I will update more later.

Peace. :)

So today I woke up and had a thought.
(this is after i was woken up by the sex bunnies upstairs)

Looking back about two years ago, would you have placed yourself where you are today? Do you have any regrets?

Two years ago, June 2002, I was going through a pretty shitty time. I barely remember the month because i spent the majority of it drugged up or in the hospital. It was at the point where we didn't know what was wrong with me, they said i might have cancer, they simply "didn't know". Well, turns out i didn't have it (thank GOD), and i can remember "waking up" from that month around July 4th. At that point in my life, i would have said that right now i would have transfered from JMU to West Chester or Immaculata to study Music Therapy. I was in my "i want to major in music" phase, while the whole Music Therapy thing was the whole "i love to help others" side of me.

So yeah, i would have never thought that after that year that I would be sitting here right now. Here being relative, here in harrisonburg, here to stay, here being home. Last year i would have never even thought of it... and where i was then, is where I am now. Last year i would have laughed at the suggestion... cuz i had decided that i wanted to be a police officer, and that nobody would change that. And that was just a year ago. But... I think i'm quite content with where I am now. This spring, things were so hectic, and i felt i didn't belong anywhere. In the past few weeks it has become completely evident that it is here where I belong. No more living in the past of NY. No more memories from Richmond. (too much shit has gone down there.) I love living near the forest and the mountains and as of now, wouldn't trade it for any other. And... well, i guess i could have been a musician, therapist, doctor, lawyer, teacher, weatherman, guidance counselor, psychologist, secretary, supervisor, politician, reporter, etc... but... in a way i kind of am all of those things. At least, i can see an aspect from each of those jobs appliying to dispatching. And being able to be each one of those things, and more, coupled with the beautiful mountain scenery... i wouldn't trade it for the world.

As for regrets... I don't really have any regrets about my life. Sure, there are things that I would like to change... but i don't think i regret the experience I got out of the deal. I mean, after all, if life were just full of the fun times, how would we know if they were fun and happy without anything to compare them to? Yes, there are times in the past where i wish I wasn't hurt, times that i don't wish to remember... but always will. Instead of letting these things get to us, we should let them guide us to making better decisions in the future. Life is all about learning.

I know that what i just said is a hard thing to do. Letting go. Trusting yourself. More than that, if you've ever been hurt by someone, trusting others. It's a hard task... and many never do again. And that's sad... because life is based on love, and you should love in order to enjoy recieving it. Henry Miller once said, "The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love." The risk it takes never to love again is more painful than the risk it takes to share your love. (And I'm aware that this comes after the blog about ex-bashing... i'm working on the above too)

So... no regrets. Carpe Diem. And never, EVER, give up on life or love.

Dr Seuss said it perfectly:

"So be sure when you step,
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"
~ Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Go on. You heard the Dr's orders!

how do i get rid of this complex?

Ick. So all i've done today is waste away in front of a computer. Blah. Well, i did clean some more. I have to clean a LOT more before i can say there's any improvement on my closet... but let's not talk about that.

Got lunch. I think I've eaten BBQ for the past 3 days at almost every meal. That is, with the exception of last night at Daves (thanks Carr!)

***fast forward about 2 minutes***

I just turned on the TV. And what comes on but the wedding story show. Great, so show everyone in America just what a perfect couple looks like, and how perfect their wedding is... ACK! It's like a cinderella thing... "All live happily ever after". Suuuure. They should have a "Looking back" thing where they go back and see how many of their couples stay together. Relationships only last as long as your love makes them last for. Until someone gets hurt pretty bad. And then comes the war. And boy is it a war...

***enough of that cuz i could go on***

So, despite all of this i started thinking. If i EVER get married, i think i'd like it to be in the forest. Or on top of a mountain. It depends i guess on who i end up with. But they'd have to like the outdoors as much as I do. But i don't think i want it in a church. Unless it's this one. I never really go to church, so it'd be kind of wierd to just go to get married. Nix the church idea. He'd have to be cool with that too.

Ok. that's enough thinking. I don't even have a boyfriend. hahaha. (well, probably not to "hahaha". I think my problem is I don't want to get attached for fear of getting hurt again...). Anyways.


And completely different subject (sort of, I mean I guess you could say it's not)... but try this poem. It's a wonderful poem, because of the feelings contained in it. Because she managed to get them down on a piece of paper. Beacause she wasn't afraid to. Mad props to her.


And a funny site along those lines... don't go here if you don't like porn.

Ok. I'm gonna go back to cleaning and sitting around. And maybe seeing if there's something else other than this wedding story stuff on TV. Peace.

fire burn and cauldron bubble...

Ok so i haven't updated since friday. My bad. I've been sorta sick and sorta just... well... LAZY. Anyways. So didn't do much friday night. Actually I slept from like 10:30 until like noon on Sat. But anyways. Sat. night Melissa came o'er the mountain and we had el charros like old times, and then we saw Prisoner of Azkaban.

::insert rant of sorts::

ok. I LOVE the harry potter books. A good enjoyable read. So, both of the first two movies followed the books quite well... but this one... not so much. Yeah... i mean if they included all of it it would have been a lot longer than 2 1/2 hours, but still, make it accurate! The animation was pretty stellar though... mad props for that.

::end rant of sorts::

And then today has proven to be another quite boring day. I've been sitting around, (though I did clean my room!!) not doing a DAMN thing. Kinda nice i guess. Kinda boring too. So, if you're reading this and you're in harrisonburg, hit me up! I'm around... don't start my "real" job until the 20th, so if you catch me before then i'll be free(er)!

And, if you or someone you know needs a roommate in H'burg in a place that's NOT student housing, please let me know. I've been looking and i found a few townhomes and houses to rent to look at. Massanutten has some neat rentals too... just need a roommate. So, let me know if you want to be that. (or know someone who might want to be)

OK. I'm gonna go sit around and be even lazier. Sorry again i was too lazy to update this until now. ;)

(what my sister thought ricky martin said in "livin la vida loca"... HA!)

This blog is gonna be a lot of random stuff. Consider yourself forewarned. ;)

So the past two days have been *quite* interesting. To those who i didn't tell (or who didn't read my away message, but if you're reading this i presume you probably read my away message...) I got my job back! That was like *the* fastest process ever. A week ago today i turned in my application and now i'm re-hired, and i don't even have to do the medical or polygraph or any of that again... just meet with Sarah to do the paperwork. SCORE! Yay :)

Other than that, drank a little last night, said something i'll probably regret saying cuz i'll probably get hurt like i always do... and the thing is that i really meant what i said. But... other than that it was a great night. Today i felt like shit though (rain complimented my mood!), like my abdomen is filled with some acid stuff. No, i'm not turning into Michele Mooney. :-/ But it hurts really bad, and i can't figure out why. But, now it's time to drug myself up and probably head to sleep. My poor liver... maybe it's you who's failing in me!

Whatever it is, it sure does hurt. :-/

Tomorrow, provided it doesn't rain, we're having a carwash from 11-3 at the port road exxon. Yeah, come see me washing cars in a bikini. ;) Then tomorrow afternoon Melissa's coming o'er the mountain from orange to see Harry Potter and eat el charros with me. :) Yay for old roommates and fun times!


And, last but not least... here's the Randomness in which i promised thee:

If I'm not working i want to go here. Anyone want to come with? July 18th at Nissan. (Inquire Within!)

Also... if you leave a comment to my blog post, Identify yourself please. :) I'm not a mind reader! ;)

fix my stomach. and my tonsils. please?

So today was a busy day. After the 4 hours of sleep, got up and started my day... only to find out that my computers had been infected with a virus overnight. Stupid worm! I say computers b/c i had my laptop plugged into my desktop and the desktop got it and now the laptop has it. Stupid W32.HLLW.Gaobot.gen worm! GRRR!

So... didn't put me in the best of moods to start the day. But, i went to ISAT to do some work, turn in some papers to Frysinger, and make some copies of stuff. FOund out that I have 250 more hours that i can work under this grant. So, depending on if i get my other job back or not, I can either work until mid-July or August or whenever. I love how flexible it is.

Had my interview today too. If you'd call it an interview! It was more of a panel of random questions and discussion time. Fun that I knew everyone on the panel! I hope it went well though, cuz i really do want my job back.

::sigh::

So random, but i'm in one of those wierd moods. You know, the ones where something inside you is like "something's wrong"... but you can't pinpoint what. Well, maybe i can pinpoint what it is, but it's strange so I'll just keep it on the DL to myself. But, ya know, it has to deal with knowing when to say how you feel, and if to say how yo feel would change anything (cuz of course it would)... and then to wonder why you feel that way and it throws you back in the cycle all over again. I keep reinfecting myself. And maybe sometimes I am too quiet. Maybe I just don't want to get hurt. It always seems to happen to me.


At Senior Ceremony everyone said I had the biggest heart out of everyone they knew... so no wonder why it hurts when someone breaks it. I trust too many people, and some of them turn and stab you right in the back. bah. That's why i keep getting hurt. That's why i'm quiet. That's why sometimes it takes a little more concerted of an effort with me...

I've always been a big believer in astrology. Now I'm an even bigger believer after reading my past month's horoscope for May. If you've remotely seen/talked to me in the past few weeks you might be able to pick some out of it:

"Remain offstage on May 1st. Your star turn begins on the 2nd and plays to packed houses and rave reviews through the 12th. Between the 5th and 7th you have cosmic permission to live large, flaunt and flirt shamelessly, and speak of the future as one who knows. Some of these predictions are tested as soon as the 13th, when grapes are sour and emperors have no clothes. By the weekend of the 15th you find your niche in a tribe or as a beloved regular. Enjoy it while you have it, because the spending freeze that begins on the 17th might chill leisure activities, to say nothing of ambitions, through the 24th. Between the 19th and 21st you're acutely aware of how others look and what they must be thinking. Maybe you'll pretend to be one of them, and maybe you'll be convincing. The 25th and 26th are prime territory for a full comeback, if that's truly what you want. But in all the soul searching and bean counting that begins on the 27th, you have to admit that your true calling lies elsewhere. By the 30th you're on your merry way to finding out just what that means."

Wow. Talk about a horoscope. I think that Tess might appreciate that too, since we're both Sag gals.. ;)

And for the record, why the hell not, here's June:

"You're full of yourself between the 2nd and 4th, but there are good reasons. Certain dreams are coming true through careful planning and good luck. Who wouldn't celebrate? The mix remains perfect, although by the 8th you're wondering what can possibly follow this. The stars catch you off guard on the 9th and 10th, pushing someone ahead of you. Observe and learn. The weekend of the 12th proves that you still have friends and a message, although if anything, your process was in doubt. Priorities realign between the 14th and 20th. Familiar faces drift back into your life, some welcome and others a little painful to behold. Watch out for tempting shortcuts around the 17th. Trying out a new move might cost you a lot of extra work. Be generous on the 21st and 22nd even though you want the lion's share. You'll get it on the 23rd if you can prove to other people's satisfaction that you deserve it. After the 25th you won't have to kowtow to your obvious inferiors any more. This month's final obstacles step politely out of your way. By the 30th you're back in the realm of miracles. Clearly this is where you belong."

So... we'll see. Aparantly I'm full of myself right now?

Well, it's Southpark time for me. And then it's naptime,followed by showertime, followed by make eggs for mike time, followed by bedtime.... then waking up, shower, work, meeting with dr frysinger... and then an interview to hopefully get my job back!!! :-D
(Can you tell I'm happy?)

Peace! :)

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse..."


Saw Shrek 2 last night with sami and mike... yay! If you haven't seen it, go see it, it's worth it. Although, it was probably a good thing that there wasn't really a lot of people in the theater... i'm sure we were a little louder than we thought we were. ;) Ha... yeah. :-P So last night I surely did have a lot of alcohol... and bacon. :) Grain, buttershots and baileys, the alcoholic milkshakes, the raspberry cranberry thing... i don't even remember all that we had!

Well, that made for a fun night :) (especially the bacon!)

I'm off to the copy center, Greta's office to turn in my timesheet, Rockingham Co-op, and the bank... then around 1, Steve and I are going up to broadway and bergton (you know, for fun). Yeah, I just said I was going to bergton for fun... and it's not the first time i said that. What is my world coming to??

Anyways. I'm off like a dress on prom night. Peace. :)