The OLD FiReCrAcKeR

What a crazy two weeks. So much is going on right now in my life that I don’t even know what to post…

I guess life is like that… you definatley can’t ever predict what will happen, and there are times when you feel the world is beating you for no reason… but that’s when you just have to step back, surrender your faith to God, and he will answer.

I guess you could say that I’ve learned a lot about myself, and who more of my true friends are this past few weeks. Those who spared time to be with me, who pulled me out of what I was in, and are still pulling me out, those who genuinely “listen” to me, with no questions asked.

To Donna, Lisa, Tasha, Joiner, McKinney, and Chad… I will always be there for you when you need me, no questions asked. If you need to talk, you know how to find me. You all are my world, and I am so grateful to each and every one of you too!

When you truly love someone, you have to let them go to see if they will come back to you. I’m sure that everyone has heard that line. When you feel something that you can’t explain… but you need to let them go, to find yourself, before you can continue on your journey with another. That is the broken crossroads in which we currently stand. This place, you can stand and look at one another, and not say a word, for deep down it is understood. Perhaps my journey will still be pothole-laden and full of curves and twists. Perhaps it will be rainy, or snowy… or maybe it will be sunny and warm. It’s left up to fate, walking blindly, with my heart and my faith leading the way.

I went driving to Pendleton yesterday… which probably was not the best idea considering the snow. But… when I reached the top of the mountain and stopped, I lay there in the back of my truck… watching the snow quietly fall on me and around me. In that moment I realized more about my life than I had ever known, and I cannot explain it here. I guess you could say that I found God, and he was with me. God is always with you… you just need moments like that to realize it. At that moment in time, everything was ok… and I believe that everything will be ok as well.


This below was written by Bill Ferguson… read it, hate it, love it. I’m posting it.

“The experience of love is an inner state. When this is present, you are happy, alive and free. You feel good about yourself and good about life. As you bring the experience of love into your life, life works effortlessly and great things happen. It’s opposite is fear and upset. When this is present, you close down inside. you lose your creativity and your ability to see clearly. You get tunnel vision and you interact in a way that almost always makes your situation worse.

Whether you live in a state of love or a state of upset depends, not on your circumstances, but on how your relate to your circumstances. A good way to see this is to look at upsets. Upsets seem to be caused by what happens but they're not. Upsets are caused by your fighting and resisting what happens. To see this in your life, select a recent upset. Now notice what would happen if somehow you were at peace with what happened. There would be no upset.

There would be no upset because upsets aren't caused by what happened. Upsets are caused by fighting and resisting what happened. The moment you take away the fighting and resisting, the upset disappears. To live in the experience of love, and to create a life that works, you need to stop the fighting and resisting. You do this through a process called "letting go."

Letting go is the inner action that releases the fear and upset. The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you see your situation very differently. You become creative and discover solutions that you could never have seen before.
To let go, you need to do the opposite of fighting and resisting. You need to let go of your demands and expectations for how life should be and make peace with the way life is. Find what you are resisting. Then give it full permission to be there. If you have a fear of losing a relationship, be willing to lose it. If you are resisting the way someone is, give the person full permission to be that way.

Be willing for anything. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action you need to have your life be great. Keep in mind that letting go is a state of mind and has nothing to do with your actions. Letting go is the process that removes the fear and upset so you can see what action you need to take. In your heart, you can be willing to lose someone, but in your actions, do everything you can to make sure the person feels so loved that he or she would never want to leave.

To make letting go a little easier, there are several steps you can take. The first is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. When you know that you will be okay, letting go becomes relatively easy.

Trusting is also telling the truth. You really will be okay no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay.

The second step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. Be willing to feel all the hurt and the feelings of being not okay that your circumstances reactivate. Be willing to feel the hurt of being worthless or not good enough.

The avoidance of this hurt is what makes you resist. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, the need to resist disappears. You can then let go.

For example, Robert had a fear of losing his wife Jan. To make sure she didn't leave, he hung on to her. His hanging on then pushed her further and further away. Robert was afraid of losing Jan because if she left him, this would reactivate all his hurt of feeling not worth loving. To avoid this hurt. He hung on.

Once he was willing to feel his hurt, the loss of Jan ceased to be a treat. He no longer needed to hang on and became willing for her to leave. The moment this happened he changed the way he related to her. Instead of needing Jan, he started treasuring her. Jan then felt so loved and able to be herself, she didn't want to leave.

This is what happens in life. The more you are able to let go and flow with life, the more life takes care of itself. You may not always get what you want, but you can always be free inside. You can restore both your peace of mind and your effectiveness. You can create a life that works.”

I guess you could say that that hit home… and I am still learning how to “let go”… I think most people are. Anyways… I’m just going to lie here with Mr. Burke and Madison and wait until later when Lisa gets off. Below is a little poem I wrote last night at work. For all you who spy on my folder on the J drive… don’t think I don’t know. It’s there too. So read it... not that you haven’t already.

The story of Huntley, the Bowhunting Bear

What I am hunting you can’t see with your eyes
It is a feeling of love, to be “whole” inside.
With the wind, the water, the sky, and the sun
I’m just looking for a life that’s just happy and fun.

Where can I find this, where does it lie?
Is it near the stream, or up where that bird flies?
Or is it perched in a tree, or in that old boat?

I hunt day in and day out,
Seeking answers to even those questions
That I haven’t yet figured out how to ask.
I am hunting for my soul.
Growing, learning, hoping, and wishing-
Hinting the purpose of this mystery called life.

For this I must be patient, and true to myself.
I must let my heart lead my way.
For I am a blind hunter in this forest called life.

May God bless the bare ground I tread.
May I love my family and friends
I pray I never hurt them and that they know I care
But perhaps most importantly…
May I find who I am… and may I love myself.For I am a hunter of happiness… a seeker of my soul…

It's better than bad, it's good! It fits on your back, it's great for a snack, it's B-L-O-G, B-L-O-G, B-L-O-G!

I don't know where that came from... i think it's Ren and Stimpy... and I don't know what made me think of the LOG song. It's just been an interesting week...

Last night after class we decided to go back to Bennies (yes, again)... lol. Anyways, I picked up McKinney on the way and we headed out there for some fun times. :) I think I'll "member" all of them... hehehe. I've missed everyone back there... it's one of those good old places where you'll always feel welcome and at home.

Ah, for the memories of Bennies beach. :--P

Anyways... Buzzie is the best. I had a good long talk with him about the simple things in life and living out in the country... said I just needed to find myself a good country boy. (Yes, I told him I already have one! ;))

I learned a lot last night too... and I know that I have people here for me. I know that they will be around. I'm glad to have people to talk to, and I know that there will always be "those" times that are crummy... but you just have to trudge through it to see the light at the end of the tunnel, however non-existant it may seem! And to you all... you guys mean the world to me. :)

(not to mention i now have a group of people to come to Ozzfest this year!!)

I'm gonna finish cleaning now and go upstairs for more shrimp... I think I have sucessfully taken Amanda's place here, LOL. :--P Talk to you all soon!

"There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo" ;)
-Usher and Alicia Keys

Life isn't about keeping score.
It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all.
It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you.
It's not about your shoes, or your hair, or the color of your skin, or where you live or go to school.
In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.
Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, orif you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt.
It's about how you feel about yourself.
It's about trust, happiness, and compassion.
It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love.
Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence.
It's about what you say and what you mean.
It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.
Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.

THESE choices are what life is about...


..::Sigh::..

I may update more later if I feel like it. The Dr. said I may have strep... they have to send the culture out. Ick.

I know, two updates in one day… but I am so bored it is not even funny!

It’s been an interesting day. This morning started with a little rescue hero by the name of Jordon jumping into bed with me, followed by Madison the rescue dog. I think we all actually slept a good while, until about noon! Well… they got up then. I slept clear through until about 4pm!

Then got up, posted my blog below, and got ready for work and FF1… which brings me to FF1… in which Lisa and I learned how to be good TeleCommunicators… something we both really needed to know. LMAO! It was fun though, I guess. Karen Will came in and talked to us about Pub. Ed. and doing programs out in the community… which is cool since I get to teach little kids about 9-1-1 in a few weeks. I can’t wait for that… I love little kids!

Oh! Then tonight we also found out that we got our cabin for next weekend… so I am very excited!! It’s not really a “cabin” per-se, rather it is a farmhouse… BUT it has a 7 person Jacuzzi. ;)… hehehe…. Which should make for a fun weekend!

This weekend I’m off for two days… a little “break” from work. I wish I could say I’ve been working a lot (well, I guess it’s good that I haven’t been and can’t say that?)… but I really haven’t been working much! I’ve taken a bunch of time off this spring for my FF1 class (and I am so grateful that I got it all off… I’ve been wanting to take this class for a while). There hasn’t been much OT that I could take… so I haven’t been working a whole lot. In fact, I need to get myself a part time job to do every once in a while. Working on one of those now and maybe I will hear something within the next week or so. Who knows, but I really hope so… not going to say anything about that because I do not want to jinx it!!

Anyways… tomorrow I think I’m going to work on some presents and try on the rest of my gear at the station, and see if I can’t get myself turned over to run calls @ 50 (something I’ve been meaning to do for a while). Who knows what I will get into. I probably won’t sleep tooooo late. ;--)

Goodnight/day all!

Despite the fact that we were busy as crap last night... Lisa and I had a great time. It's been a while since I worked a shift with her and we got to talk about a lot... which I will talk about some of here. Yay! :--P hehehe.

Anyways, it really is nice to talk to someone who has the same relationship views as you. Not that I don't have a great best friend and don't talk about stuff with her (cuz I do, and I love you Amanda!) Just that Lisa and I talked about it last night and I've gotta post it and get it all out here!!

Nothing annoys me more than people who put down their everything for one person in their lives. I'm not saying that if you do love someone that they shouldn't be first in your life-- because they should by all means--- But you don't have to talk to the person you love like 8-10 times a day over the phone, at work, etc... totally not necessary, and something that I discovered being in the relationship I am currently in. With regards to the relationship I am in currently... we've been taking it as it comes. The whole thing just kind of "happened", and I did NOT by any means want to move fast at all. Many people are suprised when they hear that... and it's because yes I have been hurt in the past. While no, I don't believe I will be hurt now, I also believe that there is more to life than being borderline obsessed with one person, and I'm not going to leave my friends hanging and spend every waking minute of every day talking to/spending time with/ spending nights with him. It will come in time if it is all meant to be!!! (after all, it has been two months!!)

Also, I'm not one of those girls that HAS to see him every day, mentions him in every profile and away message, and talks to him a huge amount throughout the day... that's just not me. And don't get me wrong, because I do have strong feelings for him-- I guess I just never wanted to be like that, and Lisa understands that. If you love someone, they should know it, and you don't have to broadcast it to the world. I guess it's one of my pet peeves of mine... being through it knowing the JMU population and people on my buddy list and what not. Also, nothing annoys me more than being in a conversation with someone and being rudely interrupted when someone calls you on your cell phone... hit ignore and return the call when you are done talking! I've been in relationships before like that, and I guess I form my views from my past-- that i know that when in a relationship like that, people will eventually get tired of each other. You both have to have lives and live separate of each other. Have your own friends and your own hobbies, yes you can do things together and like the same things... but don't be "dependant" on each other (or appear that way to everyone). If i wanted to see that, i'd just go spend a day observing the "girlies" and their guys on greek row and at highlawn!!

For my one... it all started with our song... God Blessed the Broken Road. I won't go into it's symbolic meaning, but that is and will always be OUR song. :--) I do love you, and I love spending time and every moment I do spend with you-- but the fact that we don't see each other every day and talk to each other a bunch makes our relationship stronger. Two months and counting to be exact! :--D

And... if you don't agree on my relationship views, then by all means you don't have to. I guess I'm just putting them out there, because it's not often that I'm asked like I was last night and not often that I talk about it all. So... it's nothing personal to anyone, AT ALL... they are just my views :--P So don't anyone take it personally, I'm not intending to attack anyone or any relationship here... so PLEASE don't take it that way. It's just that i hadn't been asked my views by anyone really in a while without getting put down, and I figured after that conversation it's good to put them out there.

But if anyone wants to keep the conversation going, feel free to IM me and we'll discuss it :--D

Had a fun morning introducing Chad to the wonders of dry run/kephart run trail/saltshed trails/rawley springs... and then to G & H's (lol)... we had a great time. I love doing things like that... :--D hehehe... I couldn't ask for anyone better. It's wierd how things work themselves out when you would least expect them to... anyways, we were almost back to broadway when my cell phone rang... and it was my Dr...

Well... I went to the Dr. for some tests last week, and they don't call you back unless something comes back abnormal/wrong with them. Needless to say, today I get a phone call from my Dr. wanting to set a follow-up test and appointment to see how "abnormal" the cells I have in my body are. Then they're going to do a biopsy to see if they're malignant or not.

Why am I scared about this this time?? I've been through this before and had outpatient surgery that determined that nothing was wrong... but there's some wierd feeling that i can't explain about this... and I am scared... I don't know what to do.

Oh well... i need to get some rest before work tonight, and I don't know how I will being like this. I just wish that I had my best friend here next to me to hug and comfort me... (not that I don't want a guy here... because i have one that i love... just that I miss that with my best friend being we both have guys now we're always talking to them... or with them... i dunno how to describe it) Oh well... :-/

I'm really going to try to get some sleep now... work tonight and then tomorrow, then off until sunday unless I get called in or there is OT on wed/thurs. G00dnight/day....

Another pic... this one is better :-D

Chad and I... i think we're in fulks run, don't remember though :-P 2/2/05

I don't even know where to begin this blog... wow. I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world right about now!

I've been listening to a lot of one of my favorite country music artists lately, Kenny Chesney, and specifically, listening to his new CD: "Be as you are". (If you didn't get it from the title)

Anyways... this CD is special, and very different from Kenny''s past CD's. You can tell that the songs are free flowing, and that the music is coming from his heart.

Heart... something that I was afraid to open...

But am no longer.

Life is about love and special amazing moments. They are the moments that make us and break us. The very defining elements of simple human existence. Love is like standing on the top of a mountain with the person who makes you complete in a way that you could never be otherwise. It is the look in that person's eyes when you share a moment in which you can feel nothing but yourselves at that place and that point. It's scary, yet exciting, and a million and one feelings meshed together in one conglomerate that could never be any other way-- being perfect the way it is.

Amazing.

And when you feel it, you can't help but smile... you can't help but spread the love. Your heart skips a few beats... but the real kicker is being with your special someone, and knowing that they feel the same way. I really can't explain that one, other than that it's something you know. Something you can feel. Something... well... amazing :--P

And yes... I can't believe after this long, after the many pothole laden road, that I can sit here now and type this in my blog. It truly is and seems unreal... there really is no other word than amazing!

So... live your life as if it is your own song from the heart... or series of songs. Never be afraid to write your own lyrics... or skip a note... or modulate. (you get the point) If it comes from your soul and heart it will always be true.

Although, I will admit, Kenny does a great job here... because I couldn't have written this better myself. This is for you, Sugar Britches ;--):

One word, that's all was said,
Something in your voice called me, turned my head.
Your smile captured me, you were in my future as far as I could see.
And I dont know how it happened, but it happens still.
You ask me if I love you, if I always will.....

Well, you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes,
You won me, it was over from the start.
You completely stole my heart, and now you won't let go.
I never even had a chance you know?
You had me from "Hello"

Inside I built a wall so high around my heart,
I thought I'd never fall.
One touch, you brought it down
Bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me that I wasn't going to love again
The last time was the last time I'd let someone in

Well, you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes,
You won me, it was over from the start.
You completely stole my heart, and now you wont let go.
I never even had a chance you know?
You had me from "Hello"
Thats all you said...

That's all I needed to know. :--)