The OLD FiReCrAcKeR

Blog, Blog Blog... what is a blog...

It's supposed to be a place where you can share how you feel with the world... or maybe just express yourself in the only way you can feel you can. Or maybe it's my only way. I love to talk with people... but when you don't have the person you need to talk to wanting or having time to speak with you... thoughts come down in writing.

What I am feeling now.... A question not a lot of people have asked me with the intention of having a good discussion with me. The month of February I realized a lot of things. The last day someone told me they loved me... February 20th. (Yeah, I remember things like that.)


Anyways... things happen that force you to think. Do I really feel the way I do towards a person? Why do I feel this way? Why does the world seem to fight you in everything, and why does everything go along ok for some time... and then all of a sudden crash and go spinning out in all directions? How someone can say things to you... that were so real and true... and then let things change with the blink of an eye. Life is always taken for granted until you lose it. Love is always taken for granted until it is lost.

"Feelings are never lost... just missplaced for the time being"

Not a lot of people have really asked me how I feel... or rather, I guess I should say, I haven't been willing to reveal that to others. Maybe it's because I have too many thoughts that I can't put them into words... or maybe it's because I don't know anyone who can deal with what I feel but me, and that bothers me tremendously. The only person who can deal with what I feel is me... myself... and I. So... there is no reason to place that on others. Just stuff I have to deal with...

I apologise for not being myself. I can't help it now. The last week and a half have been really hard with family issues, emotions, and friends... I don't really know how to explain it...

My family... is just that, my family. I speak with them maybe once a week or so. Maybe. They don't send anything (because they don't have the money), and I rarely talk to them unless I call them. Unless they call me with a problem. And magical problem solver laura who calms down people on 9-1-1 all the time turns into the family counselor. It's the hardest thing to be the oldest sibling sometimes, when you have to keep your parents in line... and I can't really explain more of that here... it's not the place, and I just can't...

On the other spectrum of things... I love someone who doesn't know how they feel towards me. What hurts me the most about that is that I can't do anything in the situation. In a way, it seems like the same thing I am going through. Something that you just have to deal with yourself, and not let anyone else have any influence on it. But... I have many things that were given to me by that person, that I should probably put away or get rid of... but I felt loved for a period of time. I guess it's better to give out love than keep it locked away, even if you do get hurt...

Everyone also keeps saying that they know what I want, or can't give me what I want... but has anyone asked me what indeed I do want? Has anyone sat down recently and discussed any of that with me? Because... if they had, I would have told them that I don't know what that is. I just know that I want to live a happy life. That's it. Simple and to the Point. Yes, I do want to love... and that does not mean overnight love... does not mean 2-3 months into a relationship love... it means love that comes with time. It means going slowly and building up feelings and not moving fast. Going out and having fun times with friends, and relationship wise-- following "The Rules"... which I failed to do. I guess the best way to put light to it is that I want what this past relationship was like in December-- someone to talk to, yet someone to spend time with as well... but doing separate things like taking trips to NY, hanging out with friends, hell, even going out with other people sometimes because you shouldn't give up people who were in your life unless you have show cause. Letting things develop with time. I just want to have fun. To have someone to talk to and have fun with. And that... that's gone, and I don't know if I will ever have a chance to have something back like it. And I haven't been able to express my newfound thoughts in the way I would like to, to the people who need to hear them... and THAT bothers me above anything else.

I don't say things unless i feel them... and I try to hide my feelings a lot. Some of them stay well hidden, while some others make it to the surface quite often, both in words and verbally... but those spontaneous feelings are not normally what I feel deep inside. They come in spurts, and that is why they call me the Firecracker. Many of my thoughts have been influenced by other people. And... maybe it's just me who does that. I don't know. I feel that I don't know anything anymore. I have so many feelings inside right now that it's physically hurting me.... my chest hurts and I can't eat. I've been falling into bad habits that I had been trying to break myself of.

Maybe I've been keeping all of this to myself too... because I need to deal with it myself. Right now... I am being forced to. But things keep on piling on top of other things... it's like a multi vehicle collision with Signal 5, entrapment, hazmat, and fire. You have to deal with each of those obstacles in a different way... but they're all strewn in there together, so you have to deal with them all at once.

I don't know how else to "explain" some things other than the way I just have... nothing to really say until I deal with these things and those other factors that are influencing me. The hardest thing to do right now is to go into work and try to be "myself"... because I don't know who "myself" is anymore...

I am going to go now and finish this post. You all know that I can go on and on... and it would be rambling if I did. Maybe I will update later. We'll just have to wait and see.