The OLD FiReCrAcKeR

God brought to earth man. And Man created gossip.

Ok, so there are times when I'll admit I'm bored to hell and can't think of something to do... but never do i think about gossiping about someone else's life. It leads to people getting into things that they have no buisness getting in. If it's not your life, and you weren't asked an opinion on it, and it's someone else's business.... then don't get up in it. If you're asked an opinion, then by all means provide it. Hell, sometimes you can provide that even if you're not asked. But DO NOT try to take someone else's business into your hands-- it's not yours to meddle in.

Stuff like that has the potential to ruin friendships, and turn people against each other. Not to mention it is the cardinal cause of DRAMA... and i hate drama. So, don't meddle in things that you shouldn't.

Take note from Mary J. Blige-- NO MORE DRAMA!!!

Another thing I'd like to touch on here is the value of friendship. There are many types and kinds of friends, but i'd like to touch on three... you have your best friends, who call you and spend time with you and CARE about you (or they can be the best friends that you never see because they are 300 miles away! but you talk to a lot!); then you've got those acquantaince friends... those are the ones that you see in passing, spend time with occasionally; and of course, those convienience friends, the ones who only call you when they have a free moment, those who don't care about you until it is convienient for them. Take note of those friends who take up for you and spend time with you. Ultimately, they will be a source of support for you (whether that support be holding up your beer bong, or patting you on the back after a job well done, or sitting beside you in the jail cell when you're getting booked)... they'll be there.

If you're my friend I'll be there for you... as long as you'll be there for me.

Ok. I'm done blogging for the morning. It's time for bed. Love my readers long time!

I was the first person to buy Ladder 49 from the Burgess Rd. Walmart. Go me? (or does that make me a loser?)

Anways... nothing much to update. Went driving around today... spent time thinking in the woods. Got my oil changed. Spent some time with Tasha and Mike. Went to dinner and hung out with Chris... talked about good 'ol times at HPD and SWAT stories, and heard about how Iraq was. Fun times. Then I went to walmart and had them dig out Ladder 49 for me...

Cardinal rule of firefighting: Two in, Two out.

This principle needs to be applied to life in general. We're a team. If I came in with you.... I'm going to see you out... regardless of all the smoke, hazards, and obstacles that can be encountered. I'd hope the same would be done for me.


Like I said before, I did spend a lot of time thinking today...

Not going to elaborate on that anymore. Every time I do people give me advice... occasionally it's worthwhile, but most of the time... it's not. I don't mean to hurt anyone... but it's best to go with your heart in certain situations. I know that now. I'm just tired of people trying to tell me what I should do... and being angry at me when I don't do that. I may ask for opinions from time to time. But... I need to find myself, and be myself... and just when I think I may know that... I don't. So... it's time I walk the pothole filled road alone to figure that out...

And it's time that people stop talking about it and treating people differently... because it is wrong, and if you are not in the situation, you may not know the whole story. Hell, even those in the situation don't know the whole story. It's wrong, and people need to stop doing it... and that's all I'm going to say about that. Not giving anyone else anything to talk about.



"We deal with this by sticking togther. We take it. We learn from it. And we get back on the god damn truck and that's how we honor Dennis!"-Ladder 49


To Leigh... my "big brother"... I miss you so much. You always had the perfect words to say at the right times. You are my inspiration to carry on.... Shine your light, down on me... Give me the strength to carry on...

Blog, Blog Blog... what is a blog...

It's supposed to be a place where you can share how you feel with the world... or maybe just express yourself in the only way you can feel you can. Or maybe it's my only way. I love to talk with people... but when you don't have the person you need to talk to wanting or having time to speak with you... thoughts come down in writing.

What I am feeling now.... A question not a lot of people have asked me with the intention of having a good discussion with me. The month of February I realized a lot of things. The last day someone told me they loved me... February 20th. (Yeah, I remember things like that.)


Anyways... things happen that force you to think. Do I really feel the way I do towards a person? Why do I feel this way? Why does the world seem to fight you in everything, and why does everything go along ok for some time... and then all of a sudden crash and go spinning out in all directions? How someone can say things to you... that were so real and true... and then let things change with the blink of an eye. Life is always taken for granted until you lose it. Love is always taken for granted until it is lost.

"Feelings are never lost... just missplaced for the time being"

Not a lot of people have really asked me how I feel... or rather, I guess I should say, I haven't been willing to reveal that to others. Maybe it's because I have too many thoughts that I can't put them into words... or maybe it's because I don't know anyone who can deal with what I feel but me, and that bothers me tremendously. The only person who can deal with what I feel is me... myself... and I. So... there is no reason to place that on others. Just stuff I have to deal with...

I apologise for not being myself. I can't help it now. The last week and a half have been really hard with family issues, emotions, and friends... I don't really know how to explain it...

My family... is just that, my family. I speak with them maybe once a week or so. Maybe. They don't send anything (because they don't have the money), and I rarely talk to them unless I call them. Unless they call me with a problem. And magical problem solver laura who calms down people on 9-1-1 all the time turns into the family counselor. It's the hardest thing to be the oldest sibling sometimes, when you have to keep your parents in line... and I can't really explain more of that here... it's not the place, and I just can't...

On the other spectrum of things... I love someone who doesn't know how they feel towards me. What hurts me the most about that is that I can't do anything in the situation. In a way, it seems like the same thing I am going through. Something that you just have to deal with yourself, and not let anyone else have any influence on it. But... I have many things that were given to me by that person, that I should probably put away or get rid of... but I felt loved for a period of time. I guess it's better to give out love than keep it locked away, even if you do get hurt...

Everyone also keeps saying that they know what I want, or can't give me what I want... but has anyone asked me what indeed I do want? Has anyone sat down recently and discussed any of that with me? Because... if they had, I would have told them that I don't know what that is. I just know that I want to live a happy life. That's it. Simple and to the Point. Yes, I do want to love... and that does not mean overnight love... does not mean 2-3 months into a relationship love... it means love that comes with time. It means going slowly and building up feelings and not moving fast. Going out and having fun times with friends, and relationship wise-- following "The Rules"... which I failed to do. I guess the best way to put light to it is that I want what this past relationship was like in December-- someone to talk to, yet someone to spend time with as well... but doing separate things like taking trips to NY, hanging out with friends, hell, even going out with other people sometimes because you shouldn't give up people who were in your life unless you have show cause. Letting things develop with time. I just want to have fun. To have someone to talk to and have fun with. And that... that's gone, and I don't know if I will ever have a chance to have something back like it. And I haven't been able to express my newfound thoughts in the way I would like to, to the people who need to hear them... and THAT bothers me above anything else.

I don't say things unless i feel them... and I try to hide my feelings a lot. Some of them stay well hidden, while some others make it to the surface quite often, both in words and verbally... but those spontaneous feelings are not normally what I feel deep inside. They come in spurts, and that is why they call me the Firecracker. Many of my thoughts have been influenced by other people. And... maybe it's just me who does that. I don't know. I feel that I don't know anything anymore. I have so many feelings inside right now that it's physically hurting me.... my chest hurts and I can't eat. I've been falling into bad habits that I had been trying to break myself of.

Maybe I've been keeping all of this to myself too... because I need to deal with it myself. Right now... I am being forced to. But things keep on piling on top of other things... it's like a multi vehicle collision with Signal 5, entrapment, hazmat, and fire. You have to deal with each of those obstacles in a different way... but they're all strewn in there together, so you have to deal with them all at once.

I don't know how else to "explain" some things other than the way I just have... nothing to really say until I deal with these things and those other factors that are influencing me. The hardest thing to do right now is to go into work and try to be "myself"... because I don't know who "myself" is anymore...

I am going to go now and finish this post. You all know that I can go on and on... and it would be rambling if I did. Maybe I will update later. We'll just have to wait and see.

What a crazy two weeks. So much is going on right now in my life that I don’t even know what to post…

I guess life is like that… you definatley can’t ever predict what will happen, and there are times when you feel the world is beating you for no reason… but that’s when you just have to step back, surrender your faith to God, and he will answer.

I guess you could say that I’ve learned a lot about myself, and who more of my true friends are this past few weeks. Those who spared time to be with me, who pulled me out of what I was in, and are still pulling me out, those who genuinely “listen” to me, with no questions asked.

To Donna, Lisa, Tasha, Joiner, McKinney, and Chad… I will always be there for you when you need me, no questions asked. If you need to talk, you know how to find me. You all are my world, and I am so grateful to each and every one of you too!

When you truly love someone, you have to let them go to see if they will come back to you. I’m sure that everyone has heard that line. When you feel something that you can’t explain… but you need to let them go, to find yourself, before you can continue on your journey with another. That is the broken crossroads in which we currently stand. This place, you can stand and look at one another, and not say a word, for deep down it is understood. Perhaps my journey will still be pothole-laden and full of curves and twists. Perhaps it will be rainy, or snowy… or maybe it will be sunny and warm. It’s left up to fate, walking blindly, with my heart and my faith leading the way.

I went driving to Pendleton yesterday… which probably was not the best idea considering the snow. But… when I reached the top of the mountain and stopped, I lay there in the back of my truck… watching the snow quietly fall on me and around me. In that moment I realized more about my life than I had ever known, and I cannot explain it here. I guess you could say that I found God, and he was with me. God is always with you… you just need moments like that to realize it. At that moment in time, everything was ok… and I believe that everything will be ok as well.


This below was written by Bill Ferguson… read it, hate it, love it. I’m posting it.

“The experience of love is an inner state. When this is present, you are happy, alive and free. You feel good about yourself and good about life. As you bring the experience of love into your life, life works effortlessly and great things happen. It’s opposite is fear and upset. When this is present, you close down inside. you lose your creativity and your ability to see clearly. You get tunnel vision and you interact in a way that almost always makes your situation worse.

Whether you live in a state of love or a state of upset depends, not on your circumstances, but on how your relate to your circumstances. A good way to see this is to look at upsets. Upsets seem to be caused by what happens but they're not. Upsets are caused by your fighting and resisting what happens. To see this in your life, select a recent upset. Now notice what would happen if somehow you were at peace with what happened. There would be no upset.

There would be no upset because upsets aren't caused by what happened. Upsets are caused by fighting and resisting what happened. The moment you take away the fighting and resisting, the upset disappears. To live in the experience of love, and to create a life that works, you need to stop the fighting and resisting. You do this through a process called "letting go."

Letting go is the inner action that releases the fear and upset. The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you see your situation very differently. You become creative and discover solutions that you could never have seen before.
To let go, you need to do the opposite of fighting and resisting. You need to let go of your demands and expectations for how life should be and make peace with the way life is. Find what you are resisting. Then give it full permission to be there. If you have a fear of losing a relationship, be willing to lose it. If you are resisting the way someone is, give the person full permission to be that way.

Be willing for anything. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action you need to have your life be great. Keep in mind that letting go is a state of mind and has nothing to do with your actions. Letting go is the process that removes the fear and upset so you can see what action you need to take. In your heart, you can be willing to lose someone, but in your actions, do everything you can to make sure the person feels so loved that he or she would never want to leave.

To make letting go a little easier, there are several steps you can take. The first is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. When you know that you will be okay, letting go becomes relatively easy.

Trusting is also telling the truth. You really will be okay no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay.

The second step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. Be willing to feel all the hurt and the feelings of being not okay that your circumstances reactivate. Be willing to feel the hurt of being worthless or not good enough.

The avoidance of this hurt is what makes you resist. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, the need to resist disappears. You can then let go.

For example, Robert had a fear of losing his wife Jan. To make sure she didn't leave, he hung on to her. His hanging on then pushed her further and further away. Robert was afraid of losing Jan because if she left him, this would reactivate all his hurt of feeling not worth loving. To avoid this hurt. He hung on.

Once he was willing to feel his hurt, the loss of Jan ceased to be a treat. He no longer needed to hang on and became willing for her to leave. The moment this happened he changed the way he related to her. Instead of needing Jan, he started treasuring her. Jan then felt so loved and able to be herself, she didn't want to leave.

This is what happens in life. The more you are able to let go and flow with life, the more life takes care of itself. You may not always get what you want, but you can always be free inside. You can restore both your peace of mind and your effectiveness. You can create a life that works.”

I guess you could say that that hit home… and I am still learning how to “let go”… I think most people are. Anyways… I’m just going to lie here with Mr. Burke and Madison and wait until later when Lisa gets off. Below is a little poem I wrote last night at work. For all you who spy on my folder on the J drive… don’t think I don’t know. It’s there too. So read it... not that you haven’t already.

The story of Huntley, the Bowhunting Bear

What I am hunting you can’t see with your eyes
It is a feeling of love, to be “whole” inside.
With the wind, the water, the sky, and the sun
I’m just looking for a life that’s just happy and fun.

Where can I find this, where does it lie?
Is it near the stream, or up where that bird flies?
Or is it perched in a tree, or in that old boat?

I hunt day in and day out,
Seeking answers to even those questions
That I haven’t yet figured out how to ask.
I am hunting for my soul.
Growing, learning, hoping, and wishing-
Hinting the purpose of this mystery called life.

For this I must be patient, and true to myself.
I must let my heart lead my way.
For I am a blind hunter in this forest called life.

May God bless the bare ground I tread.
May I love my family and friends
I pray I never hurt them and that they know I care
But perhaps most importantly…
May I find who I am… and may I love myself.For I am a hunter of happiness… a seeker of my soul…

It's better than bad, it's good! It fits on your back, it's great for a snack, it's B-L-O-G, B-L-O-G, B-L-O-G!

I don't know where that came from... i think it's Ren and Stimpy... and I don't know what made me think of the LOG song. It's just been an interesting week...

Last night after class we decided to go back to Bennies (yes, again)... lol. Anyways, I picked up McKinney on the way and we headed out there for some fun times. :) I think I'll "member" all of them... hehehe. I've missed everyone back there... it's one of those good old places where you'll always feel welcome and at home.

Ah, for the memories of Bennies beach. :--P

Anyways... Buzzie is the best. I had a good long talk with him about the simple things in life and living out in the country... said I just needed to find myself a good country boy. (Yes, I told him I already have one! ;))

I learned a lot last night too... and I know that I have people here for me. I know that they will be around. I'm glad to have people to talk to, and I know that there will always be "those" times that are crummy... but you just have to trudge through it to see the light at the end of the tunnel, however non-existant it may seem! And to you all... you guys mean the world to me. :)

(not to mention i now have a group of people to come to Ozzfest this year!!)

I'm gonna finish cleaning now and go upstairs for more shrimp... I think I have sucessfully taken Amanda's place here, LOL. :--P Talk to you all soon!

"There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo" ;)
-Usher and Alicia Keys

Life isn't about keeping score.
It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all.
It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you.
It's not about your shoes, or your hair, or the color of your skin, or where you live or go to school.
In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.
Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, orif you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt.
It's about how you feel about yourself.
It's about trust, happiness, and compassion.
It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love.
Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence.
It's about what you say and what you mean.
It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.
Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.

THESE choices are what life is about...


..::Sigh::..

I may update more later if I feel like it. The Dr. said I may have strep... they have to send the culture out. Ick.

I know, two updates in one day… but I am so bored it is not even funny!

It’s been an interesting day. This morning started with a little rescue hero by the name of Jordon jumping into bed with me, followed by Madison the rescue dog. I think we all actually slept a good while, until about noon! Well… they got up then. I slept clear through until about 4pm!

Then got up, posted my blog below, and got ready for work and FF1… which brings me to FF1… in which Lisa and I learned how to be good TeleCommunicators… something we both really needed to know. LMAO! It was fun though, I guess. Karen Will came in and talked to us about Pub. Ed. and doing programs out in the community… which is cool since I get to teach little kids about 9-1-1 in a few weeks. I can’t wait for that… I love little kids!

Oh! Then tonight we also found out that we got our cabin for next weekend… so I am very excited!! It’s not really a “cabin” per-se, rather it is a farmhouse… BUT it has a 7 person Jacuzzi. ;)… hehehe…. Which should make for a fun weekend!

This weekend I’m off for two days… a little “break” from work. I wish I could say I’ve been working a lot (well, I guess it’s good that I haven’t been and can’t say that?)… but I really haven’t been working much! I’ve taken a bunch of time off this spring for my FF1 class (and I am so grateful that I got it all off… I’ve been wanting to take this class for a while). There hasn’t been much OT that I could take… so I haven’t been working a whole lot. In fact, I need to get myself a part time job to do every once in a while. Working on one of those now and maybe I will hear something within the next week or so. Who knows, but I really hope so… not going to say anything about that because I do not want to jinx it!!

Anyways… tomorrow I think I’m going to work on some presents and try on the rest of my gear at the station, and see if I can’t get myself turned over to run calls @ 50 (something I’ve been meaning to do for a while). Who knows what I will get into. I probably won’t sleep tooooo late. ;--)

Goodnight/day all!